Jul 31, 2007

when i'm in charge...

something happens to me when i eat chips 'n' dip.
i feel, almost....invincible.

and i get all sort of weird-ass ideas.

so. if i run for President (why not? everyone else is. any day i expect to see my teacher from my high school Bible studies class announcing his candidacy.), here's my list of campaign promises.

and believe me, these will be kept.

CAMPAIGN PROMISE 1
any young up & coming star, upon the release of their first big movie/show/record, will immediately be issued a car and driver. no more of this inability to hold one's liquor and then drive home. or to a friend's house, their drug dealer or even to church. nope, never again.
no more Paris, Nicole, Lindsay or even that really cute guy from Prison Break. it's bad enough when they destroy someones property, but in the case of the Prison Break guy, kids died.
refusal to do so, or to "forget" you had a driver will immediately result in all your cash goin' back to the studio/label.

oh, and mandatory jail time. in a real jail. not this secluded Club Fed crap. for.the.whole.sentence.

*sigh* makes me wish for the good ol' days when the worst thing that happened was someone getting caught with hookers.

CAMPAIGN PROMISE 2
if you're convicted of a crime, you will do the time. no appeals. no "get outta jail free cards."
OJ & Barretta, i'm talkin' to you.

CAMPAIGN PROMISE 3
all desserts hereafter will be holy and void of all calories. consider them freebies, like carrots, celery, etc.

CAMPAIGN PROMISE 4
(lifted from one of my favorite movies, Fried Green Tomatoes) all supermodels under a size 12 will be banned from any and all ads. also, designers will establish their lines for said size 12 & up and will price them reasonably so the rest of us can afford to buy some without having to sell their children/pets/houses.

CAMPAIGN PROMISE 5
all abusers/abandoners of babies, children and animals will be drawn and quartered. i don't want to hear about liberty & justice for all. they forfeited their rights to that when they abused. 'nuff said.

oh, and Alton Brown will be secretary of good eats (a new post i'm creating), Donny Osmond my chief of staff and Clint Eastwood will be head of Homeland Security.

vote for me.

8 comments:

Melissa said...

Dude - that has got to be the best list of campaign promises EVER. I am SO on board with you!

You forgot - "Vote for me and I'll set you free!" (Like the Temptations "Ball of Confusion") and Richard Pryor's "If you've got to believe in something, why not believe in me" from Carwash.

Oh, wait - he was supposed to be a preacher, right? Never mind.

doodlebugmom said...

Go ahead Valerie, make my day.

oooh! And nice header

:o)

Allison said...

Your Bible Studies teacher can run against my Women's Studies prof.

Love promise #4. Do you know how much more money these stores would be making if they catered to bigger sizes? I would totally shop at those places.

skrpndiva said...

OMG, I'd vote for you! I would! Campaign promise # whatever would have to be that unless one has contributed in a major way to stardom, the paparazzi simply cannot film them, ie. Paris, Nicole and Lindsay. I mean, come on, wth have they done anyway?

Kenny said...

I'm sticking a sign in my yard today! You've definitely got my vote.

Hillary said...

LOL - where do I vote? Can I be your campaign manager??

Hillary

Mary Ann said...

Back to your Monday post... how about a little weekend trip to Solvang??
That's always a fun place to spend a few days.

Art said...

Hi, been seeing you over at Doodlebugmom's... just stopped by to say HI.

But, geez, now I think I'm gonna vote for you;)