so what can i say...

last night, i had a bit of a mini meltdown.

i'm still not sure what brought it on, but there it was. and there i was, sobbing like a fiend.

PMS? naaah.

it was the sudden onset of sadness because we have no babies.

it's been a long road to get here. not as long as others, and certainly not what others have gone through, but enough for me.

first came the tests. then the procedures. take your temperature. log everything. chart your periods & how long they last. face the new moon at 11:50 at night, stand naked & make sure your bum faces north by northwest.

ok, so i made the last one up. sure felt like it at times.

then comes the advice. check your cervical fluids (sorry all you guys that read). have sex this many times in this order on the day when your temperature reaches this spike. stick a pillow under your bum. lie still. don't get up.

hell, i seriously considered putting a trapize in our bedroom, but not for what you were thinking.

did i mention the drugs? clomid...i believe it's Latin for ugggh. i don't understand how a drug that is to stimulate egg manufacturing can make you feel like you're going through menopause. my nightmare was that i would turn on the news to this:

"good evening. today's top story: a local Buena Park woman is pregnant with sextuplet. her husband has left the country."

well, ya gotta laugh, right?

i don't understand. i don't understand how God can give me such a desire for children, and yet deny them to me. how He can allow teenagers (and others) to get pregnant, especially when He knows that this baby will end up in a trash bin someplace.

i don't freaking get it.

it hurts so bad sometimes that i can hardly breathe. it makes me rail against God. not my faith, but i just don't get it.

i'm angry. i'm hurting. i'm frustrated.

i'm infertile.

if you're a regular reader of this missive, then you know that adoption just isn't an option here, for reasons i don't want to revisit again.

i understand i'm not the only one facing this crap. i know i'm not the only one who cries and rages and screams because of the bullshot of this situation. i'm not the only one who cannot understand why the desire to be a mommy is there, but the gift is denied.

there's no answers. there's nothing anyone can say or do to ease this feeling. i am grateful to God that it doesn't hurt like this every day.

but every day, something somewhere reminds me that we don't have kids. that i can't give my husband children.

it's not right. it isn't fair. and i know life isn't fair. but i'm tired of feeling this pain.

i gotta laugh. because i'm tired of crying.

tomorrow will be a happier post. i promise.