Sep 8, 2005

Random Thoughts

Did I ever mention that we don't have kids?

Nope...Not a one. Only a furbaby...a cat named Elvis that we've had almost as long as i've dated my husband.

Growing up, I ALWAYS knew I would have kids. Babysat a lot as a kid, but KNEW I would have a family of my own some day. Got married @ 35, first time for both of us. He wanted to wait two years before we started trying, my take was that at my age, two years could be two years too many. So after a year we started. And nothing happened.

Went to an infertility specialist. The minute I walked into his office, I KNEW this was it! THIS is gonna be the answer to my prayers. He ran tests on both of us, and decided the problem was me. Them little ol' eggs just wasn't being produced. So, it was on the clomid.

Ever been on clomid? Ugggh...Here I am trying to get pregnant, and the meds are making me feel like i'm going through menopause.

Then there's the comments of well-meaning, but completely clueless people. "Just relax. You're trying too hard." Right. "If the Lord wants you to have a baby, it will happen." OK. I believe EVERYTHING happens for a reason. And that the Lord has everything in His plan. But, if it wasn't in the plan for me to have a baby, then why was I given such a strong desire to have kids?
And there's my favorite: "Well, at least you're having fun trying." Well, great. It stopped being fun when every morning starts with me taking my temperature, charting & waiting for the right time to "do it" and then wait for about 15 minutes or longer, hoping the little swimmers will make their way to the (I hope) waiting eggs.

So clomid didn't work. What's next? Well, it would be artificial insemination. WAY too much money. Adoption? I'd love to. Husband once said "Well, I always thought I could have kids of my own." I don't want to bring kids into a family where it's possible resentment is there because it's not a "kid of my own."

I have resentment. Resentment every time a baby shower happens at work. Resentment when someone brings in their babies. Resentment when dear friends tell me that they are pregnant.
I've had therapy. I'm at the point where I don't believe this feeling...of resentment, anger, and the most indescribable sadness will ever go away. It's better..much better than it was. But dissipate? Never.

So what's next? It's my job to try & move on. It will never happen; every day it hurts less. But i do have a great life, and a wonderful husband. I just want to keep it that way.

1 comment:

K said...

Just found your blog through CKMB. I've been sitting here reading your past blog posts. I agree with CZ - I think you have a great "voice" and I look forward to reading more. And as far as resentment goes, I know that all too well.