warning: the following post is a little bitter.

bitter. pissy. angry. hurt. jealous. discouraged.

but mostly jealous and sad. very, very sad.

i have a group of girls i go out to dinner with during each member's birthday month. we all worked together, albeit in different departments, but at the same location, so we rarely see each other.

while i've been down with this creeping, stomping crud, they went out for the first birthday of the year. one of the girls, who's near my age, has her 20-something niece living with her.

four years ago, this girl stayed with her boyfriend, even after he said he didn't want to be with her any longer. they broke up. they got back together. his family was pressuring him to "grow up" and get married. settle down. start a family.

so they got back together and had a very nice wedding.

he started seeing someone online, and she did the same to "get back" at him.
they divorced before their first anniversary.

in the meantime, she somehow got herself fired, lost her car, and started dating.
fast forward to last week, when, at dinner, my friend notices that this girl has gained weight.

bet you can see where this is going.

i found out yesterday that the girl's aunt finally confronted her and asked her if she was pregnant.

yeah, but only five months.

five months?! that's more than half a term. no one knows if she's even been to the doctor before this. her aunt was taking her to her doctor yesterday and they were going to discuss "options," what ever that means. neither one is happy about the pregnancy.

and neither am i.

in this day and age, there's no excuse for an adult woman who decides to have sex outside of marriage, to not be on some sort of birth control. none. zip. nada. even if you're not making a lot of money, there's Planned Parenthood and local free clinics.

and once again, i don't understand how it can be that Brendan & i are denied kids, when others, completely unprepared and unwanting of a pregnancy, have one.

so i apologize for being angry, sad and bitter. it's just that no matter how much i think i'm "over" the baby thing, something comes up and slaps me in the face again. then suddenly i'm awash in fresh pain, like the first time i realized we couldn't have kids.

so again. i apologize.