when last we left the NBC studios, the Husband was $1000 richer.
then came my turn.
one of the producers called me at work.
you applied for a possible shot on To Tell the Truth? she says.
oh yeah. i said.
well, we've got one i wonder if you're interested in, she says.
it's a woman who's a world-champion hog caller.
seriously?! there is such a thing? (remember - i am the Queen of the City Gals. i know not of these things. my connections with hogs is Green Acres and the boys i work with)
sure, i say. i'm up to a challenge.
well, this girl's from the south. can you talk in an southern accent?
oh, darlin' - i spent too many years living with my great auntie. she was from Missouri. i had an accent until i finally left her house. to this day, i can fall into it quite easily. y'all.
shouldn't be a problem, i say.
i get a date. already, i'm planning what to wear and what to do.
(actually, the producer has already asked that i wear overalls. luckily, i have some)
now when i arrive there, i try to do as the Husband did with his two: talk to my fellow contestants and formulate a strategy. the real hog caller, is a little too into herself. she mentions where she's from in Texas, and i realize my company makes their phone book. when i tell her, she's less than thrilled.
my other contestant, delivers pizzas for a living. oh, i say, and are you in college too?
she looks puzzled as she answers no.
i sigh. it's gonna be a long taping.
we get hooked up with the wireless microphones (like what our local newscasters wear). my problem is that i don't have back pockets in my overalls. i've got no place to put my battery pack, so it gets attached to my backside.
(p.s. - i have done nothing but speak in a southern accent all day. no one even asks if i'm from California)
we get onstage, and my worst fears come true. my pizza girl has frozen up, and the real world champion hog caller is, well...hogging the spotlight.
i didn't have a coffin-to-casket moment like Brendan did. i did, however, convince the audience and two of the panelists. the other two voted for the RWCHC, no votes for the pizza girl. after we get backstage the pizza girl throws herself at me, blessing my name for the money she won. RWCHC, however, is mad she didn't get more votes. if you had gotten more votes, i said, you wouldn't have gotten more money. you get more money by how many votes the liars get.
she clucked at me and walked away.
excuse me? you clucked? you're a hog caller. not a chicken choker.
like i said, my event wasn't nearly as exciting as the Husband's. and sadly, not as much fun. but it was an experience.
and while Brendan was upset that no one called him for other shows, i did. a producer for a "Blind Date" type show wanted to know if i was interested in being on their show. sure, i said. did it matter if i was married?
oh well. there's always Fox's new gameshow "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?"
and just for the record, then answer is no.