because poop is funny.

many thanks to my Kristie for this one. it was the best giggle i had all dang day.

and apparently her as well.

see this picture?

or, more accurately, THIS part of the picture:

yep. completely missed that the cow is ready to, um....let 'er fly.

which, i realize for people like Linda, or Ree, is no big. poop happens.

but dang. it sure is funny.

so, to not offend you, Gentle Reader (and to make it so that every time i see this picture the only see i see is, well...), i have edited said picture.

*snicker*

happy Monday pt2, tomorrow.

last Saturday...

over the weekend, the Husband & i made one of our frequent forays down to San Diego..to check the mail in a PO Box he has and to pick up a cd put out by a radio station he always listened to when he lived down there. we can even get it up here most days.

really funny stuff.

anywhoooo...

a trip down there usually makes me ask if we can stop at one of my favorite stores, which he goes for. and of course, since he has no interest in scrapbooking or whether or not these are the cutest dang brads evah, will stay in the car.

this time, however, nature called so he ran in with me.

running. the operative word.

on his way back, he actually hung out with me for a few minutes before he got all creeped out and hightailed it back to the truck.

and while there, i showed him this. i want it. bad. and, at only $60, it's pretty reasonable.
will he buy it for me? nope. why?

i need to be surprised at Christmas. (insert rolling of eyes here)

whatever.

so as he headed back out to the truck, laughing at me, i called him mean.
and behind the counter, an employee, who witnessed the whole thing, was laughing at us.

'should i call security?' she asks?
'no,' i say. 'just make him buy it for me now.'
she laughs.

'y'know,' she says, 'we could take you out to the truck and tell him we caught you stealing it, and the only way we won't press charges is for him to buy it.'

we both laugh. then i said, 'no - go out there and tell him you're arresting me for stealing it.'

we both laugh again. then she looks at me, with an evil gleam in her eye.

'want me to?'

holy freaking crap. this is my kinda chick.

so it came to pass, that this girl AND another employee, walked out to the truck (while i hid behind a display, laughing my butt off), tapped on the window and informed my Husband that i was being held for shoplifting. after his initial shock, he asked what i took, and when they told him, he started laughing.

at that point, i called on his cell and when he answered, proceeded to do my best acting, weeping and sobbing that they were gonna put me in the hoosegow.

'i know,' he said. 'i told 'em to keep you.'

ah, love.
there's nothing like it.

still not too old to play with dolls, dontchaknow.

you MUST see this.

and this.

so stinking funny.

i want to be this funny!

see what stalking can do?

so, after months of stalking, stalking and more stalking, Jax and i finally met.

i had ditched, er...taken a vacation day from work today, and so although my original plan got completely rearranged (laundry, Downtown Disney for benignes, coffee, photo ops and then Hairspray the movie) to laundry, movie. bloody Downtown Disney changed their movies today, and Hairspray wasn't playing.

so off we went to Tustin...a few more miles on the freeway.

and i was almost late, thanks to the unpredictable traffic on the freeway.

but - i got there. and had Icees...one with extra cherry...spillage. pretzles.

and laughs. lotsa laughs. and lots of walking. bwa!

thanks so much, honey. it was a ton of fun and i'm bummed we didn't do it sooner.

i have no life.

here's proof. this is what happens when work is slow. which it isn't. but it was at one point and i found this, tucked away in my folder on my desktop.

Veni, Vidi, Viper (Yow! There's a snake in my bed!)
" " vermicelli (we're having Rice-a-roni for dinner)
" " valentine (be mine)
" " Ventura (we're going to hell)[this would be in connection to a group of directories we just sent to the printer. it was hell.]
" " valencias (yum! oranges!)

veni, vidi, vasectomy (do i have to draw you a picture??)
Veni vidi volcanus (I came, I saw, I blew up)
Veni vidi vixen (I came, I saw, I called her a fox)
Veni vidi vicious (I came, I saw, I got my butt kicked)
...voluptuous (I came, I saw, I better not go there.)
...velocity (I came, I saw, I retreated quickly)
...vomitus (I came, I saw, I threw-up)
...vacuumus (I came, I saw, I cleaned up the mess)
Veni vidi viscosity (I came, I saw, I got my oil changed at Jiffy Lube)
veni, vidi, violencia (I came, I saw, I pummeled a certain rep) [sales rep. ugggh]
veni, vidi, vulgaris (I came, I saw, I swore like a sailor.)
Veni, vidi, voce (I came, I saw, and someone sang!)
or...
Veni, vidi, volare (I came, I saw, I drove a '76 Plymouth)

i was laughing. but i crack me up sometimes.

the Big D.

so when last we visited, Dan & i were in Deming, NM, with a broken-down truck filled to the rafters with electrical equipment, on our way to a convention in Dallas.

we even had to argue with the rental company to give us a new truck. they just wanted to repair what we had. but, Dan prevailed and after a day and a half delay, we were back on the road.

we drove straight through, barely stopping to eat, snoozing as we went. after all, we were on a timetable. and driving through the Southwest was, shall we say, interesting.

storms there alot y'know.

we got into Dallas late at night - it was raining. it was cold. butt cold. windy. we were tired. i, being the princess, was not reasonable. i was a tired, unreasonable, cold, pissy princess.

that's the worst kind.

and of course, since it was so late, the only place for us to park was in overflow parking for the hotel.
at the bottom of a San Francisco-type hill. y'know, steep.

and we walked up the hill. against the wind and rain and no matter which way i turned my face, the wind and rain were right there, kissing me all over.

just not feeling the love.
i started to cry. i was no longer the plucky heroine with her stalwart boyfriend. i was now reduced to my true self: a whining, childish, 'this isn't FAIR,' feet-stomping, tantrum throwing chick.

think of PMS on steroids. yep. not a good scene.

i sobbed the whole way up the hill, into the hotel lobby, up to the front desk, then into the elevator, up to the room.

Dan just kept rubbing my back.

when we got in the room, the first thing he did was head into the bathroom, not to commit suicide from the psycho girlfriend, but to start a hot bath. then, he pushed me in there and told me not to come out until i was ready to fall asleep and drown.

i'm still crying. heck, i don't even want my mommy at this point.

i wasn't going to get in the tub, i was too pouty. then, i thought of something and sputtered,
'i....c-c-c-can't...take.....a....bath (sob, sniffle, gasp)..i...don't have....clean....clothes.'

he just smiled that freaking killer smile he had that would always turn me to mush. and yes, it worked this time, too.

'no worries. i'll go down and get our stuff.'
'bbbbbbut....it's raining.' over emotional princess said.
he just smiled again.
'it's OK, honey. get in the tub.'

twenty minutes later, i felt like a new girl. i have no doubt he wasn't gone that long, because if i were him, i'da been in the hotel bar tossing back some stiff ones.

the next day was the convention. we got the supplies back to the convention center, all the guys started setting up, and i was given carte blanche to roam and explore. just come back by 5, when the show closes.

man. i am SO off to Six Flags!!

am i not the biggest dork ever? most chicks would be exploring the malls, finding cutie little shops. nope. not me. i'm off to an amusement park.

that i got lost to.
then i found it was closed during the week.
then i got lost going back to the convention center.

oh Lord, i prayed, tell me what i have done to anger You. i'm sorry for everything and anything, believe me, just please, Lord, let me live through this trip.
i seriously was beginning to think i was never going to make it out of Texas alive.

i made it back to the convention center in plenty of time. however, apparently out there, they have THUNDERSTORMS FOR NO APPARENT REASON. WITH HAIL. BIG HAIL.

and i of course have no umbrella. no hoodie. and i am stuck in the car, in the parking lot, needing to pee sooooooo bad, my skin is turning yellow and my blue eyes are now green. i cannot get out of the car, it's coming down too hard. and it isn't helping my bladder, either.

Gentle Reader, steel yourself. i am about to embarrass myself to you in a way i probably haven't up to this point.

i opened the car door as little as i could, tossed out what was left of my 32oz soda, climbed into the back of the truck, and yep...i let 'er loose.

and i cried again. because i am such a freaking baby at this point that i think my life is over because i've peed in a cup in a truck in a convention center parking lot. what.the.beep!

that was the worst day. the rest of the week was actually pretty fun. i hung out at the center and when i wasn't working the booth, i would go eat free Haagen Daas ice cream bars. play free games and win stuffed animals. (Christmas was a ton of fun that year, i can tell you) they even had free carnival rides you could try, but i was a little too chicken for that.

i have been to Dallas since. but a) for work and b) i flew. we had a hailstorm, but i was inside, and much, much less the whiny pouty princess i was. the Husband wants to take me for fun.

i'm just not sure i'm up to that, yet.

ha, ha, it is to laugh.

Thanks, Maureen.
enjoy these. i'm off to see a real comedian...not the one i think i am.


Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETICS
mart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

hey, baby...want a date?

OK. so you probably already got this on an email from me.
but it really made me laugh out loud. and after this week, heck, we can all use a giggle.

and Linda - i promise. no more cracks about a slutty Shirley Temple.


Here is your dose of humor... A. Follow the instructions to find your new stripper name.
B. Once you have your new name, post it here in the comments! (yes, boys too!)
1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new firstname:
a = Chesty
b = Fantasia
c = Starr
d = Diamond
e = Montana
f = Angel
g = Sugar
h = Mimi
i = Lola
j =Kitty
k = Roxie
l = Dallas
m = Princess
n= Heidi
o = Bambi
p = Bunny
q = Brandy
r = Sugar
s = Candy
t = Raquelle
u = Sapphire
v = Cinnamon
w = Blaze
x = Trixie
y = Isis
z = Jade

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
a = Leather
b = Dream
c = Sunny
d = Deep
e = Heaven
f = Tight
g = Shimmer
h = Velvet
i = Lusty
j = Harley
k = Passion
l = Dazzle
m = Dixon
n = Spank
o = Glitter
p = Razor
q = Meadow
r = Glitz
s = Sparkle
t = Sweet
u = Silver
v = Tickle
w= Cherry
x = Hard
y = Night
z = Amber

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = hooter
b = horn
c = tower
d = fire
e = thighs
f = hips
g = side
j= jugs
i = shock
j = cocker
k = brook
l = tush
m = sizzle
n = ridge
o = kiss
p = bomb
q = cream
r = thong
s = heat
t = whip
u = cheeks
v = rock
w = hiney
x = button
y = lick
z = juice

now that you have your new name, feel free to make me laugh by posting in my comments.
and no, i will not tuck a dollar in your g-string.

proof positive i need a hearing aid.

worked late tonight...not by my own choice. so i missed the call from Husband on my cell.

"...it's me....some.....day.......worst.......gas ever."

do i really need this? i know i married for better or worse, sickness and health, blah, blah, blah.
but does it really involve me hearing about his gas pains?

apparently my love should know no bounds.
like his gas.

we played phone tag for a few rounds. i bought cheese at the grocery store.

see? the day wasn't a total loss!

i talked to him finally.

me: so, how're ya doing mr. gassy pants?

him: laughs

me: what did you have for lunch?

him:(questioning tone) Chipoltle (a local burrito place. HUGE burritos)...why?

me: have you had it before?

him: yeeessssss. have you?

me: no. and it looks like i probably won't either.

him: OK...why?

me: well, that's probably what gave you the worst gas ever, right?

he pealed into hysterical laughter. i guess with boys AND men, gas is funny.

him: glasses (gasping for air). i broke my glasses and it was the worst break ever.

that was two hours ago. i think he's still laughing.

middle-aged musings...

got this in an email...and just had to share.

for you boys out there..sorry. just get a beer. it'll be all over with soon enough.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down.
This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.

Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless. (ain't that the truth.)

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water. Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -- more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin .

Mid-life means that you become more reflective . . . You start pondering the "big" questions.
What is life?
Why am I here?
How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.

That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

be not offended.

but get ready for a good giggle or two. these came courtesy of the Darling Husband's email.

it's called: Buttons You Can't Wear at Work.

• If We Are What We Eat, Then I'm Fast, Cheap & Easy
• Rest Assured, No One Gives a Crap What You Think.
• Ask Me About My Ability to Completely Annoy Strangers!
• I See You're Playing Stupid Again...And Winning.
• Don't Make Me Go Psycho On Your Ass!
• Not The Brightest Crayon In The Box Now Are We?
• Damn Right I'm Good In Bed - I Can Sleep For Days.
• I'm Still Hot, It Just Comes In Flashes Now.
• Well - Aren't We Just the Little Freak of Nature?
• I'm Smiling. That Alone Should Scare You.
• A Few Clowns Short of a Circus Now Are We?
• Being a Crabby Bitch is Part of My Charm (my personal mantra)

and my very, very favorite...

• Back to your bridge, Evil Troll! You have no power here!!

just something to think of.

a giggle a day...

still snickering. try it...you'll feel better.

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK
1. Empty the trash on your desktop.
2. Create a new file folder on your desktop.
3. Name it with the name of whomever is irritating you.
4. Send it to the trash.
5. Empty the trash.
6. Your PC will ask you, 'Do you really want to get rid of 'blank'?
7. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
8. Feel better.
9. Repeat as needed.

i am 45.

it's official. i now begin the walk down the middle-of-the-aged road.

riiiiight.


i ended up going to work today, because the Boss called and said his wife was going to be induced today, so don't hate me, but please go in?

well, ok. but you gotta name the kid after me, since she's likely to be born on MY BIRTHDAY.

he laughed, that kinda nervous laugh people have when they're not sure if you're serious or not.

well, of course, i'm serious, dammit...if i'm giving up my vacation the LEAST you can do is name the kid after me...'specially since she's gonna be born on MY BIRTHDAY.

i gotta talk it over with the Wife first, he says.


chicken.


today wasn't bad. just really slow (which i was expecting) and SO would rather have been at home, no makeup, watching Season Two of Dead Like Me on DVD (thanks, Husband!).


and thanks, Linda, for the birthday wishes on your blog and the ecard. totally made me laugh.


oh, and to prove i am ripe for a midlife crisis.... i present photographic evidence.


do not adjust your monitor.
that is a real, genuine nose piercing.
not the magnetic one i bought earlier this year (and was terrified the backing would come off and i would inhale the magnetic disk...sheesh. what am i, four years old?)

a real stud in a real hole in my really big nose.

did it yesterday in Newport Beach at a VERY clean place my friend recommended.
took no time at all, and didn't hurt NEARLY as bad as it did when i got my ears pierced, 27 freaking years ago!!!
(quick version of that story: i lived with Crazy Auntie Kay at the time, and she said ANY piercings was barbaric. i wanted my ears pierced, so on my actual 18th birthday, i took the bus over to the Lakewood Center Mall, to Chic Accessories and got 'em shot up. it hurt soooo baaaad, i ended walking around the mall in a stupor, crying for about half an hour. wuss.
oh, and Auntie was so angry, she didn't speak to me for almost a week. imagine what she's doing now, from her vantage spot in Heaven!)

i'm still getting used to it. i see it occasionally, and think it's really sparkly/glittery eye shadow. then i rub it.
stupid.
it doesn't hurt. it didn't even hurt *after* the woman at the shop pierced it.

oh...about that woman.

nicest lady ever...was kinda like a grandma figure...i cried a little..well, welled up really bad when she first pierced it, and sweet lady put her hand on my shoulder and said, "you OK, sweetie?"

what was funny is that the woman had tattoos up & down BOTH arms.
definitely not my grandma.

oh and now, i'm announcing Random Thoughts - Live!
yes, for a mere pittance, you can hire me, yes me, to entertain at your parties, receptions (Jolene? just a thought...), Tupperware parties (only not ones that are fundraisers designed by people you haven't seen in over 20 years)...my talent? (and thanks to my dearest Kristie for this idea)

i'll be performing a Dancing Waters show.
out my nose.
i'll be using my new hole to create water illusions AND! by shining colored flashlights on the waters, i can color coordinate for any occasion! to any music you choose!

now that's entertainment.

so thanks - and here's to my next 45 years. heaven only knows what i'll do next.

send all old people to prison!

OK, i think we know i really don't mean it.

or do i?

naaah.

we went out to dinner tonight with my parents for my birthday...which isn't until Tuesday, but celebrate early and often is the motto 'round here. my parents met us here for some killer hushpuppies, pulled pork and sweet 'tater fries. oh, and there would have been Dixie's Crimson Voo-Doo Ale, except that the restaurant doesn't carry it any more. schmucks.

digression, they call you valerie.

so anyway, like i said, my parents met us there. having not been there before, my mom asked where the restaurant was, and quickly looking online, i see it's at the corner of Bellflower Blvd. & Flower.

or so i thought.

it's actually a street after, but! you can turn onto Flower, and cut through the alley to get to the restaurant. so i called them at home to tell them.
too late. already left.
so i then called my mom's cell.
not on. niiiiiice.
then i think, hey! try step-pop's cell! he usually has more minutes on his cell (they have pay-as-you-go service).
guess what? it's not on, either.
and they don't have voice mail.

many's the time i have said, look...just get a family plan with a small amount of minutes. but they would have voice mail. there's been more times than i can count (and i'm horrible at math to boot) when i couldn't reach them and leave them a message because they don't have voice mail.

so. back to the location problem. not sure if they would figure out where the restaurant was, the Husband and i walked up to the corner they would turn on to try & catch 'em.
after about ten minutes, i tell the Husband i was going back to the restaurant to see if we missed them.

they came out of the restaurant just as i got there.
"well! where have you been?" my mother says.
"yeah and what kind of computer you got that gives bad directions?" the step-father chimes in.
i respond that IF they had their cell phones on, i could've reached them and told them.

then my stepfather comes back with "well, i'm old but not stupid, if you think i couldn't find where this gosh darned restaurant is (ed. note: if you know my stepfather, you know he didn't say gosh darned. family blog and all.)"

wow. suddenly Bellflower is the Happiest Place on Earth. move over, Disneyland.

once inside, he calms down considerably. then he starts winding up again about did i get a table instead of a booth because you know your mother has a hard time sliding in booths.

nooooo. it never occurred to me. i only have known her my entire life and know her physical limitations.

we get a table. WITH chairs. score one for me.

dinner was good. step-pop got better. by the time dinner was done, he was much better. i had just decided that hunger was the only issue and that he wasn't a grumpy old man when, walking through the parking lot, we miss getting clipped by an old man driving his Lincon Contental with his wife.

"gosh darn that fool," the stepfather says, "old people need to have their heads examined and should probably all be sent to prison."

hmmm. i don't think he'd like it if the Fogie Police came for him.

halle-freakin-lu-yah!

rental living sometimes sucks. BIG time.
we have the parking gate broke in the open position. last week, a crew came out to resurface the parking area and fix some serious potholes. the manager, however, messed something out, and now we don't know when they're coming back.

the potholes are still here, however.

but, miracles still happen.

you see, my toilet is finally fixed.

we have two here in Casa de Us, and the one in Brendan's room has been running for almost a year. we've had the toilet turned off, in order to keep the peace with the downstairs neighbor.

we have tried talking to the assistant alcoholic, er...manager here and got nowhere. then with our last rent check, Brendan wrote a letter to the manager (who comes by each month to collect the rent - he lives out of state. do not get me started on that rant.), stating that we need the toilet fixed, a rusted, cracked sink and the gate at the parking area fixed, ASAP.

and now my toilet, she is fixed.

wow. i have two toilets. and they both work. again.

it's good to be a two-hole family again.

a new medicine, unwelcome guests and addendum.

wow. a trifecta post. i'll try to be interesting..for a change. :o)

on Wednesdays, i head over to the Parents' abode to say hi and generally visit. (such a good girl, i know). and today was no exception.

last night was Bunco, and i opted out. Mom, however did go, and picked up from one of the girls three paper bag books that this girl wants me to put together. (fine. there will be money involved this time) she also brought back some little notebooks i put together before last Christmas to sell at the boutique at work. she was going to sell on eBay.

they didn't.

great. i'm a two time loser. can't sell at work, can't sell on eBay.

so here's my new medicine idea: EgoEase. you can take them and all ego issues are vanished!

they're fast acting! and easy on your stomach! best of all, you don't need a prescription!

ahh-hem. onwards.

this morning...i walked out of a lovely shower, feeling not only clean, but at peace with the world (obviously before i decided to smush my ego), when....

look! a visitor!!

that would be a cricket. on.my.pants.

now i love nature as much as the next girl, just not on my pantalones.

what a sissy. needless to say i captured the beast, and set him free outside.

(and don't you be emailing or posting me and telling me this is a cucarocha. i know what i know and i believe what i wanna believe.)

now for the addendum.

'member the other day when i talked about nicknames? well, i oopsied. BIG time. one i was reminded of, the other i remembered on my own. (thank heavens. i'm not as old as i though)

Auntie Vowel and Aunt Balery.

AV came courtesy of Kristie's two babies...who aren't babies any more, but i just found out they read this rambling blog and i like to irritate them by CALLING THEM BABIES!!!! NAAAAAHH

Jourdan started calling me Auntie Vowel, trying to say Val and well, it came out Vowel. (Brendan likes to say he's Uncle Consonant. i say nice try.)

AB came courtesy of Maureen's oldest, Dean. let's face it, B & Vs sometimes sound the same, much less say the same, especially when you're just a little shaver. (and i know, Dean, you're not -- you're almost 7) {p.s. - he probably doesn't read this, but i thought i'd just cover my bases. just.in.case.}

semi-big doins' tomorrow. actually only big to me, and i actually missed the one i really wanted, so i'll go with this...just wait till tomorrow!

snicker!

so after the downer yesterday, i thought you could use some giggles. heaven knows i do!

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it is yours to keep forever. If it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with.
But if it just sits in your living room, eating your food, using your phone, messing up the place and doesn't realize you've set it free...you've either married it or given birth to it.

A reason to smile: every seven minutes, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

My mind not only wanders, it leaves completely.

Amazing! You hang something in your closet for awhile and it shrinks two whole sizes!

Sometimes i understand why i'm here. Then i regain consciousness.

and my favorite...

They say we need to get in touch with our bodies. I asked my body yesterday, "Body, how would you like to go to the 6pm toning class?"
And clear as a bell, my body said, "Listen, fatty, do it and die."

happy hump day!

now THAT'S funny.

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of it's valuables and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"SCRIPTURE?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an AX and Two 38's!"

Disneyland's Aladdin Genie

found this while looking for Shaun Cassidy video. and no, i don't know why they are related. this.is.funny.

a mouse tale for Melissa

(go here for the back story, then come back here. i'll wait.)










(you back? good. let's go)

travel back to the year 1978. i was in high school, living with my crazy Auntie Kay.
oh and talking on the phone.
because that's all teenagers ever do. well, that & homework.

my favorite spot to chat was, of course, in the kitchen. close proximity to snacks and an extra long phone cord that travelled easily around the kitchen.

this night, i was on the phone with my best friend, yakking about school, our Rainbow Girls Assembly functions, and what-not.

and i was barefoot. as usual.

across from our phone in the kitchen, we had shelving where we kept dry goods. cereals, crackers, flour - the usual. and, as usual, barefoot me was playing with the items with my foot.

when...Mickey's cousin ran across my barefoot, after i scared him by moving his buffet of oatmeal.

i screamed.

my friend, panicked, thinking i was being attacked, or the house was being broken in to, or a 8ft tall monster was destroying our house.

nope, just a mouse.

and all the street cred i had built up as not being a typical chick who was scared of mice, spiders, blah, blah, blah went right across my foot.

along with Mickey.

moral of the story? pray that the words you utter today are sweet - you may be eating them tomorrow.
oh, and make sure you have plenty of mouse traps on hand.