in my next life, i'm coming back as an orphan.

i believe in life everlasting.
i'm not sure about life in the hereafter.

like the Hindus and Buddhists, i do believe that it is better for karma and all around good vibes to do good on this earth. and while i'm am SO all about that, i am definitely not interested in coming back for another go-round.

don't get me wrong. i love life. i love my husband, my friends and even my cat. i love my mom. heck, i even love my camera.

i.do.not.love.family.

my family, to be exact.

unbeknownst to me as a child, i was the black sheep. and dammit, i never even got the opportunity to enjoy it. since my mom was unmarried when i was born (a small fact that apparently every other person in my extended family knew EXCEPT for me), apparently that gave others in my family, in particular my cousins, carte blanche to treat me like i was a step below them.

so while i was wearing my Toughskin jeans from the Pretty Plus section at Sears, they were wearing Sassoon jeans. they modeled for Buffums department stores, even appearing in print ads.

i was queen of the circus. and i even took them for free to the circus.

they were skinny. i was not. still aren't.

and if i sound bitter, it's because i am...just a tad. growing up was a never ending chorus of "why can't you be more like your cousins? THEY clean their room. THEY get As in school. THEY blah blah blah."

but after i did grow up, and they did, too, a funny thing happened. i became OK with me - warts and all. and while i was the chubby kid wearing Sears specials, and they were really truly spoiled kids wearing designer clothes, i didn't end up like the oldest of them, pregnant and married by 20, divorced three months later, and after birthing, basically handed over her child to her mother to raise so she could par-tay.

and get hooked on coke. but that's a whole 'nother saga.

the middle girl was pretty dang cool. and it was for her that i allowed my mom to guilt me into going to her baby shower for her first child - at 42.

they'd been trying for four years. man, i get that.

so, i managed to have a little breakdown before we left today for the shower. probably some pent up rage, still bitter about us not being pregnant (and we SO will not get into the whole story here about the local woman who, already having 6 kids, just gave birth to 8 more. eight. ocho.) and just so NOT wanting to go to this shower with these people that are supposed to be family.

family that do not treat the uncool as family.

and as we left today, the oldest, who really needs to be paddled, is bitching about how she hates her mother, how she needs to find a younger richer man and finishes with us coming over to their place for Easter.

oh - thanks. but i think i'm planning on surgery that day.

i don't need this. i truly am happy with my life and my small family as it is.

but if there is a next life, i am so coming back as an orphan.

the good, the bad and the ball.

what a week.

it's been up...down...at one point i was ready to check myself into the hospital...either a mental

one or a medical one. i'd take it all - as long as there's drugs.

so you know - earlier this year the Husband lost his job AND his car...although not at the same time. about a month into his unemployment hell, he got backed into in a parking lot, and the insurance company decided to total the truck out.

we've been borrowing a car from Kristie ever since.

last weekend we went on an insane car shopping death march. Mr. Particular knew what he wanted: light exterior. dark interior. leather. sunroof. 2005-2006.

oh and he didn't want to pay over $16,000. heck - that's like trying to find a virgin in Hollywood.

however...miracles do happen.

we are now the proud owners of this:

that would be a 2005 Solara, silver, leather interior with a moon roof. at the right price even. whodathunkit.

so Wednsday we picked it up - tomorrow we drive to the credit union to get the check to pay off the dealer.

then came Thursday.

you know how you get that karma? the bad vibe feeling. the no-good-horrible-very-bad-day feeling?

oh yeah. i had that.

first - i planned a birthday potluck for someone in my group for today; then i remembered we had another birthday this month and prepared to combine the two, when the boss said to make it for a day later this month. when i looked at him quizzically, he only said 'trust me - you don't want to have it tomorrow.'

good gravy, i thought. the layoff is Friday.

begin popping Maalox.

then about an hour later, the boss asks me when i take lunch. 12:30 i say. can you go earlier? he asks? just make sure you're back before 1pm.

holy freaking CRAP. the layoff is TODAY.

begin popping Pepto Bismol tabs and run to the...well - you know.

we go to lunch - and as we start to head back up, one of my lunch buddies, who also used to be my boss, says, 'oh, ladies, why don't you come with me.'

and we start walking over to a downstairs conference room.

i have no idea how i got there. my friend said i kept going red, then deathly white (which is a normal look for me), back to red. she just looked like she was going to cry.

we sat there for about 15 minutes or more before a few more people came in. i seriously forgot to breathe once.

then more people came in, and it finally got through to my hysterically panicked brain that i'm gonna be OK. i may die, but not today.

we lost nine people yesterday. thankfully, none of my close friends, but still.

so today, i had that feeling you must get when you survive something horrible. exhausted, yet exhilarated. bulletproof. giddy. then we had a meeting to discuss what's going to happen next week - we're all moving around. again. then we'll have one of our yearly re-orgs, where we divvy up everyone to make it more even coverage for the supervisors.

i'm leaving my current boss and going to a new group...with a supervisor i've had before. which is OK in some ways; i was starting to like him more, he was relaxing and not being so much of a schmuck. but on the other hand, my soon-to-be boss is laid back. VERY laid back. to the point where i want to shake him to possibly get a reaction.

but if i've learned nothing in my 20+ years at this place, it's this: nothing is forever. change is inevitable. keep packing boxes under your desk.

so there's the good and the bad. but what about the ball?

well, in Brendan's family when they were kids growing up, when one of them had a birthday, the other two each would get a ball - just to keep the peace.

so - it turns out that since Brendan got himself a car, he thought he would get me a ball.

here it is:

that would be a Canon Rebel XSi digital SLR.

oh good googly moogley.

the Husband said it's time for me to expand my horizons. he think i AM smart enough to figure out f-stops and exposures and all that crap. i differ with him on that one.

but we did bond on Tuesday (the camera and i, not the Husband. i bonded with him a long time ago) - i found a way to set the camera so i could basically erase things like fences, so when i took some pictures of horses at the racetrack by my work, even with a chain link fence standing between me and horse, i could make it go away.

of course, there is other gain for B besides the car - he now gets my old camera. and, after we get his old (my first) Canon fixed, it's going to my mom.

always like to see the good work go on.

today starts the OC Fair. did i go?

hell no. i'm SO chicken. i don't think i can walk in that exhibit by myself, so tomorrow, on the way home from the car payoff, we'll go and do a run-through.

likely i'll break his hand from squeezing it.

so what have we learned from all this?

that life is a roller coaster. hang on - it's one hell of a ride.

one unhappy pappy.

OK, it's really one unhappy momma. but momma didn't rhyme with unhappy.

i could SO get used to being a stay-home-bum. (i'd have to be a bum, no kids, so i couldn't be a mum, right?) i like doing what i want when i want...selfish American that i am.
i dig being off.
i liked being home.

after my back surgery, once i healed to the point that i could get around easily, it was the best two months evah. i remember feeling so unhappy as December came to a close, because it meant that the first workday after New Year's was my first day back.

yuck.

only thing that kept me going was the promise that, after my first week back, i had booked classes as the Oasis with Donna Downey. that, Gentle Reader, rocked.

so here i sit on a Monday afternoon, realizing that my days off, much like my weekend, flew like my Southwest flights to Reno. quick, fast and haulin' ass.

and what do i have to show for it?
clean laundry. some grocery shopping. two different Christmas cards made. one scrapbook page.
a two hour nap on Sunday (THAT was YUMMY).

i gotta say - i'm lazy. not that i don't want to do stuff around here, i'd just rather do it here than at work.

in other news...

prayers, if you would, for three people...one for Pat's neighbors that were in a bad accident over the weekend, second for one of my Bunco Babes, who's MIL was taken to the hospital because she wouldn't wake up, third, for my sweet friend trying to get preggers...may tomorrow be the answer you want to hear.

i'm SO in the mood to buy some baby clothes.

you see the strangest things at TJ Maxx...

is there any other kind?

i *do not heart* my job.

i kept telling myself all day, "we only make phone books. we do not build airplanes. we do not cure disease."

and it's a damn good thing we don't build airplanes. i would never EVER fly.

ever.

here's a quick recap on my job: i work reports all.day.long., ensuring that the graphics department is clear on all ads for the many different books going to the printer that day.

except today.

today was bad.

normally, we get a daily paging schedule from the paging department. they break down the different advertising headings for us, letting us know what they will be sending to the printer. then, we go to town.

except today.

today was bad.

the chickie who normally sends out the schedule, has been out on vay-cay all week.
lucky her.
so, her supervisor has been doing them.
lucky us.

granted, this is not his forte. so our department has been cutting him slack as he's been getting the schedule to us later and later in the day. we really need it by 8:30am, especially since paging gives graphics until 2pm every day to be clear on our forms.

today, we got ours around 11am. at 11:02, my friend come running over, a little on the freaked-out side.

it seems that suddenly, a big book has moved from paging Monday to today.
t-o-d-a-y. u-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-h.

that no good. bad medicine.

oh, and the best part is that we actually were supposed to be clear on it yesterday.
so that, along with the other books we had to be cleared on, made for one extremely stressed workgroup, AND overtime on Saturday.

and one unhappy me.

it's OK. it'll all be good. but.......

more aggrivation. tomorrow, our workgroup is having a pot luck.
we have four people going in on egg rolls.
why? because the woman who's ordering them wants them for herself. she just doesn't want to pay for all of them.

breathe. breathe. breathe.

another chickie in our group has been on Weight Watchers for some time now. and, the other day at lunch, mutters just loud enough to sort of be heard, 'well, i'm not participating at the potluck.' after a few minutes badgering, she finally says it again. outloud.

why? 'because there's nothing there i can eat.'
then bring something you can eat.
p.s. - it didn't bother you two days ago when people brought all kinds of snackies. you were there bellying up to the bar.

so, while looking over the list today, i realize no one signed up for sodas...which is unusual, considering that boys like soda. it's cheap. it's easy.

and no one chose it. BUT! i do have two guys who signed up with a ? - which is good, because then i can get soda.

boy #1, who is notoriously cheap, says he's already bought chips.
goody. that means he went to the 99cents only store.

boy #2, who is even MORE cheap than boy #1 also has a ? down.
i ask him if he would get the sodas.
he looks me square in the eye, laughs and says no.

wait...what? you said no?

fine.

so today, i not only bought my food contribution, i also bought sodas.

am i bitter? oh youbetcha. as is my best friend, who is also peeved about this whole thing. we talked later and decided that with what we've both spent on the potluck, we could've had a really good lunch.

or dinner AND drinks at the Outback.

or better yet. we just won't play. if no one else will play fair, why should we?

yep. i'm bitter. i'm cranky. i'm tired of playing by the right way when no one else does. at work and in life.

i could bring this around to the baby thing again, but i really am trying to put my big-girl panties on.

and keep 'em on.
i need ice cream.

hey, baby...want a date?

OK. so you probably already got this on an email from me.
but it really made me laugh out loud. and after this week, heck, we can all use a giggle.

and Linda - i promise. no more cracks about a slutty Shirley Temple.


Here is your dose of humor... A. Follow the instructions to find your new stripper name.
B. Once you have your new name, post it here in the comments! (yes, boys too!)
1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new firstname:
a = Chesty
b = Fantasia
c = Starr
d = Diamond
e = Montana
f = Angel
g = Sugar
h = Mimi
i = Lola
j =Kitty
k = Roxie
l = Dallas
m = Princess
n= Heidi
o = Bambi
p = Bunny
q = Brandy
r = Sugar
s = Candy
t = Raquelle
u = Sapphire
v = Cinnamon
w = Blaze
x = Trixie
y = Isis
z = Jade

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
a = Leather
b = Dream
c = Sunny
d = Deep
e = Heaven
f = Tight
g = Shimmer
h = Velvet
i = Lusty
j = Harley
k = Passion
l = Dazzle
m = Dixon
n = Spank
o = Glitter
p = Razor
q = Meadow
r = Glitz
s = Sparkle
t = Sweet
u = Silver
v = Tickle
w= Cherry
x = Hard
y = Night
z = Amber

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = hooter
b = horn
c = tower
d = fire
e = thighs
f = hips
g = side
j= jugs
i = shock
j = cocker
k = brook
l = tush
m = sizzle
n = ridge
o = kiss
p = bomb
q = cream
r = thong
s = heat
t = whip
u = cheeks
v = rock
w = hiney
x = button
y = lick
z = juice

now that you have your new name, feel free to make me laugh by posting in my comments.
and no, i will not tuck a dollar in your g-string.

suspicious things going on here....

....shadows in the hall....
...whispered conversations that end abruptly...
...covert phone calls...
...not to mention leis...

what is going on here?



more to follow.




(ain't it cool? it's like wondering who's gonna get killed in the last Harry Potter.)