i believe in life everlasting.
i'm not sure about life in the hereafter.
like the Hindus and Buddhists, i do believe that it is better for karma and all around good vibes to do good on this earth. and while i'm am SO all about that, i am definitely not interested in coming back for another go-round.
don't get me wrong. i love life. i love my husband, my friends and even my cat. i love my mom. heck, i even love my camera.
my family, to be exact.
unbeknownst to me as a child, i was the black sheep. and dammit, i never even got the opportunity to enjoy it. since my mom was unmarried when i was born (a small fact that apparently every other person in my extended family knew EXCEPT for me), apparently that gave others in my family, in particular my cousins, carte blanche to treat me like i was a step below them.
so while i was wearing my Toughskin jeans from the Pretty Plus section at Sears, they were wearing Sassoon jeans. they modeled for Buffums department stores, even appearing in print ads.
i was queen of the circus. and i even took them for free to the circus.
they were skinny. i was not. still aren't.
and if i sound bitter, it's because i am...just a tad. growing up was a never ending chorus of "why can't you be more like your cousins? THEY clean their room. THEY get As in school. THEY blah blah blah."
but after i did grow up, and they did, too, a funny thing happened. i became OK with me - warts and all. and while i was the chubby kid wearing Sears specials, and they were really truly spoiled kids wearing designer clothes, i didn't end up like the oldest of them, pregnant and married by 20, divorced three months later, and after birthing, basically handed over her child to her mother to raise so she could par-tay.
and get hooked on coke. but that's a whole 'nother saga.
the middle girl was pretty dang cool. and it was for her that i allowed my mom to guilt me into going to her baby shower for her first child - at 42.
they'd been trying for four years. man, i get that.
so, i managed to have a little breakdown before we left today for the shower. probably some pent up rage, still bitter about us not being pregnant (and we SO will not get into the whole story here about the local woman who, already having 6 kids, just gave birth to 8 more. eight. ocho.) and just so NOT wanting to go to this shower with these people that are supposed to be family.
family that do not treat the uncool as family.
and as we left today, the oldest, who really needs to be paddled, is bitching about how she hates her mother, how she needs to find a younger richer man and finishes with us coming over to their place for Easter.
oh - thanks. but i think i'm planning on surgery that day.
i don't need this. i truly am happy with my life and my small family as it is.
but if there is a next life, i am so coming back as an orphan.