Jan 10, 2008

how to piss off a cat - a manual

while i'm busy writing a book on how to piss off our cat, Mama P is actually writing.

for a magazine. Good Housekeeping, no less.

but i'm not bitter. nooooooooo.

i, on the other hand, am trying to translate a work schedule from East Coast to West Coast. oh, and i'm making my cat hate me.

h-a-t-e me. and while i don't have a professional writing job, i do have this blog, and you are stuck with me. read on, if you dare.

last night, the manager of our complex called to ask permission to possibly let a plumber in our place today. see, our downstairs neighbor, while nice enough, is convinced that a) Brendan is building a Harley Davidson from scratch in our living room and b) we are doing everything possible to our plumbing to ensure that his plumbing is messed up.

dang. our evil plan to drive him s-l-o-w-l-y i-n-s-a-n-e has been discovered!

of course, with a plumber coming over, this means i need to lock up Elvis the WonderKat.

oh yeah. that'll be fun.

in case you didn't already know. we don't let him out. stress plus our cat equals the cat having an seizure. now mind you, in the eight years since we've moved upstairs (and the other cats don't sit outside our patio door, tormenting him), he's had one, maybe two seizures.

oh, and he occasionally tries to make a break from his human overlords to freedom!

way back in the day, when Husband & i were still dating, i would take the train down to Oceanside; Brendan would pick me up at the train station. so, on this particular Friday, he left for work, worked all day, was at the station by 6:30 when my train arrived, picked me up, and off to dinner we went.

a couple of hours later, we were home. off i went looking for the cat.

Elvis? Ellllll-vissssssss!

dammit.

we searched all over the apartment. then, downstairs, and around the complex (which was REALLY large with LOTS of BUSHES. DARK bushes. Elvis is a black cat.

oh yeah. this'll be a cinch.

we searched for hours. we even spent about half an hour, chasing after another black cat, who, probably went home to his family and said "sheesh. you would NOT believe the night i've had."

we got home late. i cried myself to sleep.

just before Brendan gave up for the night, he thought of going back downstairs to see if the security guard might have seen Elvis. as he walked towards the shack, Brendan saw a streak racing by.

"Elvis?"

the streak stopped. turned. then ran past him, up the stairs and to Brendan's front door, yelling the whole way:
"duuuuude.duuuuuude.WHERETHEHELLHAVEYOUBEEN,IHAVEBEENOUTHEREALL
DAMNDAY,HUNGRY,THIRSTYANDHUNGRY! DIDIMENTIONHUNGRY? DIDYOUNOT REALIZEIHAVEBEENOUTALLDAY? HUH? HUH??? LETMEINLETMEINLETMEINNOW!!
DUUUUDE!! I HAD TO PEE OUT.SIDE. THAT'S WRONG. LETMEINLETMEINLETMEIN!"

didn't know i could translate Catanonese, did you?

back to today.

i locked the cat in our second bedroom..it has his box, food, water, and of course my scrap stuff. which, of course, he has paid me back for by knocking stuff off my desk.

Elvis spent the last five minutes i was home this a.m. scratching at the door and yowling as if we were tormenting him:
"whyyyyyyy? whyyyyyyyyyy arrrrrrrrrrrrre you tormenting meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee? have i
not given you love? did i not stop puking in your shoes? do i not allow you to share
myyyyyyyy bed?"

he knows how to kill me.

when i did get home tonight and let him out, he was his usual feline bipolar self. squalling at me for leaving him locked up all day, then imploring me to pet him and immediately brushing me off for trying to do what he wanted.

it's like living with an irrational, PMSing woman 24/365.

ooops. poor Brendan.

wait...maybe it's a good thing i don't write professionally. i'm not sure any editor would go for an article/story that goes from work to a cat to PMS.

that's me. all over the place.

7 comments:

Jolene George said...

LOL! I din't know you could translate catoanonese. I'm impressed. I'm looking to get a kitty or two. I may need your assistance. :o)
I hated being sick...I've missed you! :o)

Mama P said...

I got a job writing for Good Housekeeping by writing a blog for free about my mental state, my son's tics, my computer geek's work-a-holic life and passion for sci fi and my inability to cook dinner. Except for Taco Tuesday. I make a mean chicken sauce.

Anything's possible.

And I like you. (Thanks for the link. No go have sex so I can pimp you for info later.)

Melissa said...

Sigh. If only I HAD a cat to mistreat in such a manner. When I found out that Jason was allergic, I very nearly called off our engagement.

Remind me to post my mother's flying mouse story she told me yesterday. You'll get a kick out of it.

Pat said...

Awww - poor kitty! Hope he doesn't start loosing chunks of hair or something....

skrpndiva said...

Makes perfect sense to me...the moving all around bit.

Come to think of it, with two cats of my own, the entire blog entry makes sense to me!

Jax

Susie Q said...

Oh poor Elvis! Poor YOU!!!
We thought we had lost Henry to the outside a couple of weeks ago. Could not find him anywhere. Called and called, looked and looked...for 4 hours. It was SO cold and drizzling.
I was crying and so upset that this little guy would be out freezing and wonder what he did to deserve it all.
Then, he appeared from under the couch. Now, there is not enough room to put anything under this couch. How the bejebbers did he fit? Cats!!

Lucy we never worry about. She never wants to go out, never tries to peek out of the door, never leaves her chair unless it is to eat or pee or sleep in my bed!

I hope you are all recovered now!

Love ya,
Sue

Susie Q said...

Oh, and I am MAJORLY envious of Mama P too! She is pretty cool huh?

Then, so are YOU girlie. You could SO write for a mag or newspaper.

Love ya,
Sue