People magazine came out this week with it's 100 Most Beautiful issue. It has the usual suspects in it: George Clooney. Angelina Jolie. Patrick Dempsey. Halle Berry.
I was supposed to be in a section, aptly named 'Hot Blogger Babes and Dudes.' It was right between the pieces on Kate Hudson and Taylor Swift. For whatever reason, the section didn't make the cut this year. Something about going green, concerns about the environment, conserving paper, blah, blah, blah.
So - reprinted with absolutely no permission, here it is. My People interview.
People - So thanks again for taking the time to sit with us.
Me - Oh, no problem. My pleasure!
P - Now, for starters, how old are you again?
M - (playfully swats at reporter and laughs) Come on. Didn't your momma teach you that it's not polite to ask someone their name?
P - (also laughing) Yeah, you're right.
P - So how old are you?
M - (sighing) 45. 46 at the end of the month.
P - (surprised) Really? That's amazing...you don't look older than my mom.
M - That...that's great. How old is your mom?
P - 45.
M - (befuddled) Oh....um....O.K.
P - (pleased with himself, feeling like he's made a connection with his subject) So! Moving on - what's the one beauty item you'd have to have on a desert island.
M - (thinking) Ummmm.....let's see...I'd have to say Burt's Bees lip balm. I hate it when my lips feel dry and puffy.
P - Yeah. I like that stuff, too. OK, next - you're running late in the morning, what's the one beauty thing...
M - ...and mascara. I LOVE mascara...Cover Girl's Lash Blast is my favorite right now. Oh! And Clinique's mineral makeup...maybe some blush, 'cuz I'm sooooo whiiiiite. And of course there's some Urban Decay eyeshadow and Benefit's Bad Gal eyeliner...
P - OK, ummm...that's more than one item. It kinda negates the idea of the 'one item/desert island' question.
M - Well, I am 45. Remember?
P - (exasperated) Well then. Moving on...do you have a beauty secret?
M - Secret? What secret? I just told you. You think I can just get up in the morning and look like this?
P - Whatever. Look, you got a beauty secret or not?
M - Baby wipes.
P - Excuse me?
M - Baby wipes. I wash my face with baby wipes for sensitive skin. They're great.
P - (shaking head) OK. Moving on again...what was your worst beauty moment?
M - The 80's.
P - (pleased with the answer) That's great...when?
M - The whole decade. I mean, come on: pink eyeshadow with shocking blue eyeliner and to top it off: bright yellow highlighter? Oy.
Things kinda went downhill after that. The reporter left our abode muttering something about I was crazy, he should've taken the job at the New Yorker, and that he was late to interview Tammy Faye.
It took a couple of hours before I realized she had died last year.
Oh well. There's always next year.
Stay tuned. Next week I'm writing about the time I was on The Mike Douglas Show.