today, i went to a tea-slash-fashion show with my madre. i'll give you all a minute to get the laughter out before we continue.
OK then, moving on.
it was one of those mother-daughter-let's-bond-because-since-you-got-married-you-never-do-anything-with-me-anymore(insert heavy sigh here) moments. and i figure not only does my mom have a touch of Jewish Mother in her, i have enough Catholic Guilt to fall for it.
the funny thing is, we are Baptist. go fig.
so, off to the tea. it was sponsored by the church that my mom's quilting group rents space from for their monthly meetings. and of course there was more blue hair in that room that at the Blue Man Group show in Vegas.
stretching, i know. but i came up with that today and had to spring it on you, Gentle Reader.
the tea was served by several men, all wearing food service gloves and looking a little uncomfortable being surrounded by that much estrogen and estrogen replacement. and it was tea, with an assortment of bags (tea bags, not the attendees. sheesh!)and foofy little cucumber and cream cheese sammiches.
and, at the table across from ours, were two little girls...with Happy Meals.
'hey, kid, i know you're not supposed to talk to strangers, but i'll give you $20 if you give me your chicken mcnuggets. what? no, you can keep the toy.'
money well spent, in my opinion. except that i didn't have $20, or $5 or even a bloody dollar bill, because i didn't go to the ATM in my hurry to get to the church and not be late.
have you ever noticed how freaking wonderful Mickey D's french fries smell? manna from heaven, my friends...especially when all you have are foofy cream cheese sammiches.
anywhooo...i'm sure i made quite the impression with my mom's friends, trying to be charming, but ended up being my usual somewhat sarcastic self...starting with the one who, after looking me up and down said, before my mom could make the introductions, 'well! and who is this little miss?!'
listen, honey - there hasn't been anything little on me since 1968. let's not be too patronizing, shall we? i happen to know you've got kids and underwear older than me.
46 and still a smart ass. yep - i've still got it.
after the tea was a fashion show. and yes, it was every bit like you imagine. very flowy, soft fabrics, lots of sequins and sparkles and hats...oh kids, every.bloody.outfit had a hat accessorized with it. all of which looked like they would be perfect for a wedding...or Ascot. not, though, for a 'night out on the town,' as the owner of the dress store putting on the show said.
not unless that night out on the town included a drag show. then again, i used to know a drag queen and i'm not even sure he would wear that.
my favorite, which was painful to watch, BTW, was a teenage girl, wearing clothes that very few self-respecting teenage girls would wear...unless they were looking for ridicule and mockery at the hands of their peers. she looks uncomfortable. i felt for her, poor baby.
but when they came out with some Red Hat Society outfits, let me tell you, my mother about lost it.
there was a purse. red in color, sequined (DOY.) with gold accents and a bird shaped clasp.
i thought she was going to need oxygen. turns out she just needed that purse.
after the show, many of the ladies headed up to the area where the shop owner had her wares. bedazzled earrings with HUGE fake stones were being snapped up, along with the garden party hat the owner had accessorized with, not a scarf, but a belt.
my mother, cane in hand, was ready to battle her way to the purse. she stopped short when she saw it.
'it's teal.' she said.
'teal. it has teal in it. i don't want teal. i don't like that one, i liked the one she carried,' she said, frowning.
'well,' i said, 'let's either find the model or the owner and get it.'
'oh, i don't want to be a bother...'
'i want to be a bother,' i said. 'i'll get that dang purse if it's the last thing i do'i thought and, as i was starting to make my way through the hungry throng of blue hair shoppers, here came the model, who apparently knows my mom.
'Carolyn - did you really want this?' she asked, holding out the Holy Grail of Red Hat Purses.
my mom almost purred as she took it from the lady. and happiness was once again restored at the mother/daughter tea...especially when my mom slapped some cash down and made that purse her bitch...i mean her own.
driving home, and giggling to myself over all the blue in the room, i realized a few things.
first - that in spite of the strange history my mom & i started out with, (thinking my mom was my cousin and all) that it's amazing we have a relationship as good and as strong as it is.
second, how lucky i am that i do have her. i have friends that don't have a great one with their moms...and some that don't have theirs any longer...and would give an eyetooth..or a Happy Meal...for what i have with mine.
third, how sad it makes me that she is getting older and feeble. she never was a scamperer, but it was cool going to Disneyland or Knott's as a kid and having someone to snuggle with on the big scary rides. now, i'm the one that the Cutest Kids in Hesperia and Reno want to snuggle with - and it makes me sad she won't have that with them, or her great-grand kids.
my mom's pretty cool.
sometimes it takes a cucumber sandwich to remind me.