Apr 12, 2006

it's a pity party...

and you are invited for the ride!

i've really had the blues the last few days...for several reasons:

1) off to Reno for Easter, and it'll be the first time we've seen my MIL since she's been at her new home at the convalescent home. worried about how my husband will take it, seeing his mom like this. they're both very close, so i'm dreading it. if you are a praying person, please keep my husband in your prayers. he's not a praying person, so all the more reasons.

2) oh boy. i leave Saturday so i get to fly by myself. if you're a regular reader, you may remember i hate flying. so - i'm sure i'll be paying a visit to a bar prior to my flight...a bloody mary is in the cards..although Southwest does make a mighty fine one. so do say a prayer for me as well.

3) baby fever has returned. found out this week that the Big Boss at work is finally pregnant...and i got depressed. again. last night we were playing Bunco, and the hostess has a four year old & almost two year old. very cute, loving, adorable kids who, for whatever reason, both really like me.

4) found out today that Big Boss's hormone levels are dropping. prayers would be appreciated that she doesn't miscarry. so after i found that out, i felt guilty for being jealous of her.

all i ever wanted in this life was to have a family. to be a mommy. i don't know why we were denied this, but i have to believe there's a reason. i just can't see it and will never understand in this life.

let's face it: i know IVF is an option, but it is horribly expensive, even with insurance. and at my age, the chances of a successful pregnancy is low. so i know, you could be thinking "well, if you really wanted a baby, you'd do it." it's hard. and it sucked, back when i was on my hormones, taking temps, trying to find the optima time to "do it" then, after doing it, to practically sit on my head, trying to get those little swimmers to their goal.

then your period comes and you realize another month is gone, and you're only another month older.

adoption doesn't seem to be an option for us...and that's all i will say about that.

so, i'm sitting here, welling up, feeling sorry for myself.

but it's Easter. a time for Hope. for Renewal. for Peace.

i could use all of the above. and it's my wish for you, that you find lots of that in your Easter basket.


doodlebugmom said...

I am sorry Val. I never had to deal with infertility, I cant even imagine how painful it must be when you want it so much.

Anyone that thinks "if you really wanted a baby, you'd do it." has never been in your shoes.

I have no advice or words of wisdom. Just ((Hugs))


LongBeachLori said...

ok I hate flying too so I can relate. We just got back from Costa Rica on American Airlines but we had to charter a single engine plane to get us to the isolated resort we were going to. I was terrified (to say the least) but it actually was sort of fun and very cool. AND I SURVIVED!