when the past comes around...

met my old lover in the grocery store / the snow was falling Christmas eve
i stole behind her in the frozen foods / and i touched her on the sleeve

when i was in 9th grade, i fell in love/developed a crush/had it bad for a guy i had gone to school with since kindergarten.

it was bad.

the guy and i were friends. always had been. but it killed me when he would date my friends, leaving me alone on the sidelines with my secret crush.

ah, the stuff Hollywood romantic comedies are made of.

she didn't recognize my face at first / and then her eyes flew open wide
tried to hug me and she spilled her purse / and we laughed until we cried

we recently reconnected again, like so many of us are, via Facebook. we've texted back and forth, as is the custom of the day. he's married. kids. i'm married. no kids. two cats. 

he emailed a while back, to let me know he was changing jobs and would be out here in the Smogberry Trees for training. we need to get together for dinner and such.
bring la-la too, he said.

la-la is my code name for his old girlfriend, my friend in the day. suddenly, i was 15 again, with my feelers hurt. 'um, hello? what about me? am i so invisible to you that you can't see me standing here?'

went to have ourselves a drink or two / but couldn't find an open bar
we bought a six pack in a liquor store / and we drank it in her car

it's amazing that, no matter how we age, or how mature we are, or even whether we're married, single or other...that all it takes is one blast from the past, and we are immediately transported back to that age, that situation...that feeling that you had then.

the three of us sent emails and decided on a date for dinner. being that we're all Mexican food freaks (and that he, having lived WAY out from the Smogberry trees, does not have the best access to good Mexican food), decided as well on a place the Husband found with killer food and a open access refrigerator with beer. help yourself, be honest and tell your server how many you had.

the date approached when la-la came down with the flu...texting to say that we would need to reschedule for a different date when she felt better. i passed the message on to him, feeling that pit in my stomach. dang it, i was so looking forward to that night...to seeing him and to take that oh so fun trip to Yesterland. 

imagine my glee when he said he didn't want to cancel. he wanted to see me.

we drank a toast to innocence / we drank a toast to now
tried to reach beyond the emptiness / but neither one knew how

so the Husband and i met up with him  - and like the lyrics from this Dan Fogelberg song, it was was another auld lang syne. we're both the same...and we've both changed. time has worked it's evil magic.

we've lost parents. loved ones. had heartbreaks. job change & loss. and while time for us has stopped from where we last saw each other, it has marched on and left its scars.

we laughed - all three of us. the Husband has things in common with him...they talked. i would look at him and think that his eyes were still as blue as i remembered. he talked quieter than i remembered. i could still make him laugh...hard.

we drank a toast to innocence / we drank a toast to time
we're living in our eloquence / another auld lang syne

dinner was long...we ate slow (for a change), talked, talked, and in between beers, talked.
i found out about his kids. talked about the high school reunion we had last year. he talked about how he didn't have many friends in high school.

i didn't realize that. i seemed to be the social butterfly, flittering between different friends that brought different colors to my page. i, in my cocoon of innocence (read naivete) just assumed he did the same.

youth can be oh so self centered.

although i didn't share with him, i remembered a time where he & i went to a ball game and we cuddled and semi-made out in the back of the bus. i thought it was a turning point. apparently it wasn't, but i wondered if he remembered or thought about it.


i was sure he didn't hold it in a gossamer-lined box in his heart for a good part of his adolescence like i had.

we finished dinner, paid the bill and walked outside, still talking. he said the next two Thursdays would work for a rematch of dinner...hopefully with la-la this time. my 15 year old heart soared and then plummeted. but i looked at him, and at my Husband and realized that a) he wanted to see me even without la-la and b) despite issues every marriage has, that i got to go home with my Husband and not be hundreds of miles away from a family i missed.

we hugged. and kissed. my 15 year old self was happy. my 48 year old self was happy as well. happy to reconnect. happy to be where i am in my life. happy to be the Husband's wife.
happy. and still a little bit of 15 again.

the beer was empty and our tongues were tired / running out of things to say

just for a moment i was back in school / and felt that old familiar pain
and as i turned to make my way back home / the snow turned into rain

'Same Auld Lang Syne' - lyrics Dan Fogelberg

happy new year.

2011.
seriously?

new year. new beginning. time to start a new life.
(the Husband laid that on me when he proposed waaaaaay back in 96)

i feel like i spend a lot of time whining. wishing for more. wishing for it to be better and sometimes (OK, a lot of times) not seeing the Big Picture. that things aren't as bad as i perceive. that there IS sunshine behind the clouds.

or that the clouds aren't really there.

2010 sucked.
we lost our cat, after 14 years of purrs and pissiness.
the Husband's kick-ass Solara got rear-ended. and totalled.
the Husband had countless interviews. the majority of which went nowhere. therefore, he ended 2010 the way he began: unemployed.

on the other hand...
new furbabies entered our lives: Abby & Fletcher, belonging to friends of friends, had to get rid of them due to their kids' allergies. these two are ying and yang. they fight, they play, they love on us and the feeling is mutual. they have healed our hearts and are filling the void in our hearts left by Elvis da Wunderkat.

insurance paid off what we owed on the car. with enough left over to buy two new-to-us cars - my sister in law's Avalon and his friend's neighbor's Honda.
two cars and no payments. righteous.

doors closed. windows opened. God's hand in it all.

i just needed to look at it.

and a reminder...from my faux commencement speech last year:

1) You will make crappy decisions in your life. Guess what - that's just the way it goes. Like the song says, every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. Some of the choices you make will rock the world. Others, not so much. Just try to remember to learn from all and glean something out of the experience.
And while we're talking about bad decisions....

2) You will fail at something. What - this isn't the happy feel-good commencement address you were expecting? Wait....
You, you, you and even you waaaaaay in the back, will fail at something. Some will fail miserably while others will fail spectacularly. As the Husband will frequently say - 'you're gonna step on your dick'

Colorful, no?

Here's the good news: despite what the media in all forms will tell you - failure IS an option and is not always bad. After all, a chemist at DuPont failed in an experiment he was working on and ended up creating Teflon. Failure is good - learn from it and move on.

3) Love what you do. Some wag once said if you love what you do, you will never work a day in your life. Those people also have money up the wazoo. It's very likely you will have to work, and you ain't gonna love it. But find a passion. Find something that makes you happy and excited to get up in the morning. Photography, writing, gardening - whatever trips your trigger - if you find your passion and aren't lucky enough to make it your life's work, you can still be lucky enough to do it...and to share with others.

4) Happiness is not a birthright - it is a daily choice. If you ain't happy, guess what - it ain't your parents fault, not your siblings, your friends or even your dog's fault. That blame, my friends, lands squarely on your shoulders.

Every day we make choices, remember? You can choose happiness, too, even if your situation sucks. You don't have to be happy with the situation, just know that optimism goes a loooooong way in this world - you will live longer and not only that, you will be a thorn in the side of the nay-sayers who will lose their minds wondering what you're on because you're so damn happy all the time.

I'm not saying you should go around with a maniacal smile all the time, plucking daisies like some Ophelia, but choose your attitude daily. Choose to be optimistic. Choose to be proof positive that smiling people are up to something.

There you have it. Four little nuggets and only four because I'm somewhat OCD and I like things bookended. Go out there. Fail. Step on it...and in it. It's the only way you'll really learn, and besides, the adventure is so much more exciting living it than reading about it.

hey...2010 wasn't all that bad.
bring it, 2011. i'm so ready for you.

summer lovin' - had me a blast....

don't worry. i'm not involved in a remake of 'Grease', nor am i taking up with a T-Bird.

however...if John Travolta IS interested, i volunteer to play Sandy.

and instead of 'Grease', we could name it 'Beano'. after all, we ARE middle-aged now.

i really don't have anything profound to say today...not that i regularly pluck pearls from my brain and transpose them into written word...but there are a few things crossing my mind:

1) to the shopkeepers of America...have you noticed lately? there's a recession going on. people are not spending their money quite as freely. so it might behoove you to instruct your employees to be around in the store - not hiding - and helping the customers that are willing to buy. otherwise, they're gonna walk out...just like i did in three - count 'em - THREE stores today.

man, i AM getting old. and crotchety.

2) it really sucks to have a computer down and out. the power jack is dead in mine, and currently in the hospital. it'll be cut free next week.

3) a co-worker is travelling to India for the company next week...for a month. while i don't relish either a 20 hour flight or the four weeks there, still, it's India. makes me think i could relive my fantasies of 'A Little Princess' - and yes, i know it took place in England, not India. i just like the idea.

4) i seem to be in a bit of a funk...i call it my post-birthday dramatization. seems like the older i get, after my birthday, i kind of feel looking for something...just not sure what.

5) my sweet boy turns 50 in a few weeks. good Lord. whoever thought we'd get to be 50..after all, as kids, 50 was ancient. heck, 30 was almost to the point of no return.

and to reach 99, well...a feat just like his coaching career. RIP Coach.

and once again - i have pitched a perfect game of non-sequential ramblings.
goooooooooooooooooooooo me!!

every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end.

my oldest niece graduated from high school last night.

and while she's not technically a blood relation - i like to think that friends are the family you pick and actually don't mind visiting.

graduation is always such a milestone in any life. when your child starts kindergarten - it's always so exciting - they're starting off on a grand adventure and God alone knows what awaits them on this adventure.

high school graduation is much the same. as we sat there last night, listening to what the valedictorians planned on doing with their lives (a degree in microbiology with a minor in genetic engineering? good grief - i barely could manage remedial math.), you can't help but wonder what each of these kids lives has in store.

and selfishly - i didn't give a rip about the rest of the 539 kids there. just a certain blond, blue-eyed wonder.

i've known her most of her life. we would all go to Disneyland together, where her mom had started a tradition of taking Christmas card photos in front of the massively gorgeous tree in Main St.

she was (and still is) amazingly beautiful. Brendan & i would push her down Main St. in her stroller, while people would be sitting on the curb, waiting for the parade to start, we would prompt her to wave to the crowds, blow kisses and yell 'see my movie!' to the assembled.

which she did. hey - when you're 3, you're very eager to please.
(and yes, occasionally someone would ask the name of the movie. there still might be some yahoo from Podunk looking for her movie at RedBox)

at 4, she joined up in soccer...where she distinguished herself by being far more interested in the grass daisies than the plays.

when we got married, i asked her mom to be my matron of honor, and her daughter to be my flower girl. her mom was concerned that the girl would do something to 'ruin' the ceremony. i say anything that happened would only be cute - it couldn't ruin a thing.

and while she was very concerned about my gloves that her mom was holding for me, the whole thing went off without a hitch...or any ruined moments.

she got through those gawd-awful pre-teen years relatively unscathed...well, except for the continual teasing of her uncle. she takes care of her younger brother and strives to include him in as many things as she can...even when he has irritated her to the point of no return.

and now she's leaving childhood for a new chapter. a new adventure. again, God alone knows what is in store for her as she travels down new and uncharted territory.

i for one, cannot wait for the next installment.

good luck, class of 2010.

(first off, thanks to all who emailed and left comments on my bringing in da funk. my intent was to call my doctor this week, but settling back in to a routine after Vegas proved more challenging than even i anticipated. next week is looking much better - and i'll let you know what comes of it. feeling the way i did scared the hell out of me...i'm a person usually in control of those emotions and buddy, feeling out of control was.not.pleasant. moving on...)

next week, one of my best friend's kids graduates from high school...roughly coughcoughchoke30yearscoughcough after her auntie did. and while she's readying for the next phase in her life, i'm currently working with some of my fellow alumni on our next reunion this summer.

and that, of course, makes me feel nostalgic. not only for the youthful optimism we all had back then, but for that youthful metabolism.

dammit.

but again, i digress.

back in the day, when i dreamed of fame (and Donny), i only thought of accolades. awards. making amazing strides in the world of literature...which is what i thought i was gonna do.
life, as always, had other plans.

(but now i have a blog. take that, life!)

looking back, as i'm doing this a.m., i think of niecey-poo...beginning the next Big Adventure, and, as i am wont to do, am imagining myself giving a commencement speech. THIS should keep 'em off drugs, eh?

here goes.

Good evening, and congratulations Class of 2010...you made it! (wait for whooooops to die down)
I realize as you sit there, wearing those stupid hats...seriously, who thought 'hey, let's design a hat that can also double as a coffee table' was a good idea...not to mention those robes, because nine times out of ten, you graduate on a hot June day. And while layers, normally, are good, they're not so good when you aren't sure if you're on the field graduating or in a sauna, sweating.

Sorry. Old people like me tend to ramble on.

Tonight, as you've been hearing for the last few weeks, if not months, while it is an ending, is also a beginning. You'll leave this place different than when you came in - you'll have graduated and will be moving on to the next big adventure...whether it be college, military or working. You may never again be faced with this many choices for your life. Drink it in.

As you do move forward in your life, you'll make choices. Here's some things to ponder about those choices:

1) You will make crappy decisions in your life. Guess what - that's just the way it goes. Like the song says, every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end. Some of the choices you make will rock the world. Others, not so much. Just try to remember to learn from all and glean something out of the experience.
And while we're talking about bad decisions....

2) You will fail at something. What - this isn't the happy feel-good commencement address you were expecting? Wait....
You, you, you and even you waaaaaay in the back, will fail at something. Some will fail miserably while others will fail spectacularly. As the Husband will frequently say - 'you're gonna step on your dick'

Colorful, no?

Here's the good news: despite what the media in all forms will tell you - failure IS an option and is not always bad. After all, a chemist at DuPont failed in an experiment he was working on and ended up creating Teflon. Failure is good - learn from it and move on.

3) Love what you do. Some wag once said if you love what you do, you will never work a day in your life. Those people also have money up the wazoo. It's very likely you will have to work, and you ain't gonna love it. But find a passion. Find something that makes you happy and excited to get up in the morning. Photography, writing, gardening - whatever trips your trigger - if you find your passion and aren't lucky enough to make it your life's work, you can still be lucky enough to do it...and to share with others.

4) Happiness is not a birthright - it is a daily choice. If you ain't happy, guess what - it ain't your parents fault, not your siblings, your friends or even your dog's fault. That blame, my friends, lands squarely on your shoulders.

Every day we make choices, remember? You can choose happiness, too, even if your situation sucks. You don't have to be happy with the situation, just know that optimism goes a loooooong way in this world - you will live longer and not only that, you will be a thorn in the side of the nay-sayers who will lose their minds wondering what you're on because you're so damn happy all the time.

I'm not saying you should go around with a maniacal smile all the time, plucking daisies like some Ophelia, but choose your attitude daily. Choose to be optimistic. Choose to be proof positive that smiling people are up to something.

There you have it. Four little nuggets and only four because I'm somewhat OCD and I like things bookended. Go out there. Fail. Step on it...and in it. It's the only way you'll really learn, and besides, the adventure is so much more exciting living it than reading about it.

Good luck, and God bless.

happy place found.

all i can say is, thank GOD i'm not going crazy.

shut up, you.


OK, maybe a little crazy...but not the total full-blown breakdown i thought i was having the last few days.

someone, somewhere, slapped me in the back of the head (think Gibbs in NCIS) and made me think...'hey - maybe this is hormone related?'

and i'm thinking they're right. i did some research...isn't the world-wide-web-wonderful...and found a site that listed a lot of the symptoms/emotions i've been feeling the last few days.

and therefore, after we return from a little RnR in VivaLasVegas, i will be calling the doctor and seeing about some supplements or something that can even me out.

thank God. i feel like a huge weight was lifted from me. the world isn't as dark, there really is light behind those clouds, and the sun will come up...tomorrow, of course.

catch ya on the flip.

find a happy place.

if you've got your health, you've got everything.

well, i say the advertising genius who came up with that nugget didn't know squat.

OK, we all know i have an occasional tendency to drama. i occasionally overreact. but lately,...

i need a happy place. there's stuff on my plate that i wish there wasn't. the Husband's extended unemployment stint. layoffs at work that i've managed to survive.

and i know for every icky thing in my life, there's at least two things good. the good, nine times outta ten, outweigh the bad.

it's just lately that the bad has taken over the place and the good can't get back in charge. and the good wants to be in charge. badly.

hee hee. get it? badly? oh, never mind.

i'm just miserable and am miserable to be around, i'm sure. and while i'm usually the optimist and the 'sun'll come out tomorrow,' right now, i just can't see it.

things will get better. i just need to roll with it. and i will...as long as i can.

it's the moon, i swear.

one of the pleasures of growing...um...more mature...is that the things that made our lives hell as teenagers and young adults, doesn't bother us as much or at all.

the drawback is that some of the stuff DOES bother us much more than it did before.

people smacking you around for what they believed you said/did. then after the fact, go on as if nothing happened.

c'mon. seriously? did we not leave this crud back in jr. high/high school? nope? oh. sorry.

how stupid of me to assume people grow up.

another thing that bothers me more now (gentlemen, you might want to turn away for a bit) is...ahem...that time of the month.
i mean honestly, if the plumbing isn't working and doing me a damn bit of good in the baby department, does it really have to rebel and try to claw its way out through my belly?

(BTW, Uterus, if you're reading this, could you please take the belly and part of my arse with you? much obliged.)

i also notice i am FAR more susceptible to the waining of the moon. my mood can change on a dime and woe be unto you if you look at me cross eyed. even if you haven't done anything.
i will kill you and bury your sorry butt somewhere in the Nevada desert. maybe next to Jimmy Hoffa.

on the other hand, i still love daisies, bunnies, puppies, kittens, cute clothes and makeup.

irrational - thy name is Valerie. peace out.

aliens have abducted my brain!

i was probed!

no, wait - i was probed AND felt up.

no, wait - that might not be too bad.

i was abducted, however...by the fiend known as Facebook.

duuuude. it's totally addicting. not to mention the games i play, farming and such, that my friends laugh at me for doing.

what the heck - they're free for the most part (right Maureen?!) and beats me hanging out at the corner market with my hooligan friends.

oh, wait....i gave up my hooligan friends back in 79. oh well.

besides, when my best friend is HOUNDING me to start blogging again, well, i guess it's easier to do that than to get HER on FB. (hint - hint - hint? stop laughing, K)

and i'd love to entertain you with a long, loving list of what i've been doing since my last post but the sad fact is, nothing i've done has been particularly entertaining. or interesting.

so there you go.
i will try to be a better blogger kids, both here and on the picture gallery.

man. it's good to be free from the aliens. or not.

moving

come by and see my new digs....luckyshotphoto.blogspot.com

stop by, won't you? i've got lemonade and cookies ready and waiting.