here's proof. this is what happens when work is slow. which it isn't. but it was at one point and i found this, tucked away in my folder on my desktop.
Veni, Vidi, Viper (Yow! There's a snake in my bed!)
" " vermicelli (we're having Rice-a-roni for dinner)
" " valentine (be mine)
" " Ventura (we're going to hell)[this would be in connection to a group of directories we just sent to the printer. it was hell.]
" " valencias (yum! oranges!)
veni, vidi, vasectomy (do i have to draw you a picture??)
Veni vidi volcanus (I came, I saw, I blew up)
Veni vidi vixen (I came, I saw, I called her a fox)
Veni vidi vicious (I came, I saw, I got my butt kicked)
...voluptuous (I came, I saw, I better not go there.)
...velocity (I came, I saw, I retreated quickly)
...vomitus (I came, I saw, I threw-up)
...vacuumus (I came, I saw, I cleaned up the mess)
Veni vidi viscosity (I came, I saw, I got my oil changed at Jiffy Lube)
veni, vidi, violencia (I came, I saw, I pummeled a certain rep) [sales rep. ugggh]
veni, vidi, vulgaris (I came, I saw, I swore like a sailor.)
Veni, vidi, voce (I came, I saw, and someone sang!)
or...
Veni, vidi, volare (I came, I saw, I drove a '76 Plymouth)
i was laughing. but i crack me up sometimes.
Aug 14, 2007
Aug 13, 2007
hey! Jourdan! this is for you!
Dear miss J,
You know how I'm always teasing you about High School Musical? And Zac? How you luuuuuv him, and you wanna marry him, blah, blah, blah.
I get it now.
Uncle Brendan & I went to the movies yesterday, intending to each see a different movie. He wanted the Bourne Ultimatum, while yours truly wanted to see Hairspray.
Being that your uncle HATES musicals, well, I did it for the preservation of our marriage.
So I watched Hairspray. And I so get it now.
That Zac fellah, well, he is mighty easy on the eyes. AND he kissed the chubby girl and didn't look like he would rather be eating dog turds baking in the sun.
So he's either way super cool or a way better actor than I thought.
But I get it. He's cute. He sings. He dances. And he kisses the chubby girl without looking like he'd rather be eating… well, 'nuff said.
You know what else? James Madigan was in it. Did you see 'X-Men'? He played Cyclops. The one who always wore his sunglasses, yes, even at night.
That's an 80's song. You wouldn't know it. It was WAY before your time.
Anyway.
James was way super cute, too. I knew I recognized him from somewhere, but without the glasses, I wouldn't have figured out it was him.
Thank heavens for imdb.com
So that's it. I just wanted you to know I get it now. I get why you love Zac. He's so totally cute, and he's 19.
Nineteen.
I got socks oldern that.
Forget it, honey. He's all yours. I'll leave him be.
He couldn't handle me, anyway.
Love - me
You know how I'm always teasing you about High School Musical? And Zac? How you luuuuuv him, and you wanna marry him, blah, blah, blah.
I get it now.
Uncle Brendan & I went to the movies yesterday, intending to each see a different movie. He wanted the Bourne Ultimatum, while yours truly wanted to see Hairspray.
Being that your uncle HATES musicals, well, I did it for the preservation of our marriage.
So I watched Hairspray. And I so get it now.
That Zac fellah, well, he is mighty easy on the eyes. AND he kissed the chubby girl and didn't look like he would rather be eating dog turds baking in the sun.
So he's either way super cool or a way better actor than I thought.
But I get it. He's cute. He sings. He dances. And he kisses the chubby girl without looking like he'd rather be eating… well, 'nuff said.
You know what else? James Madigan was in it. Did you see 'X-Men'? He played Cyclops. The one who always wore his sunglasses, yes, even at night.
That's an 80's song. You wouldn't know it. It was WAY before your time.
Anyway.
James was way super cute, too. I knew I recognized him from somewhere, but without the glasses, I wouldn't have figured out it was him.
Thank heavens for imdb.com
So that's it. I just wanted you to know I get it now. I get why you love Zac. He's so totally cute, and he's 19.
Nineteen.
I got socks oldern that.
Forget it, honey. He's all yours. I'll leave him be.
He couldn't handle me, anyway.
Love - me
the Big D.
so when last we visited, Dan & i were in Deming, NM, with a broken-down truck filled to the rafters with electrical equipment, on our way to a convention in Dallas.
we even had to argue with the rental company to give us a new truck. they just wanted to repair what we had. but, Dan prevailed and after a day and a half delay, we were back on the road.
we drove straight through, barely stopping to eat, snoozing as we went. after all, we were on a timetable. and driving through the Southwest was, shall we say, interesting.
storms there alot y'know.
we got into Dallas late at night - it was raining. it was cold. butt cold. windy. we were tired. i, being the princess, was not reasonable. i was a tired, unreasonable, cold, pissy princess.
that's the worst kind.
and of course, since it was so late, the only place for us to park was in overflow parking for the hotel.
at the bottom of a San Francisco-type hill. y'know, steep.
and we walked up the hill. against the wind and rain and no matter which way i turned my face, the wind and rain were right there, kissing me all over.
just not feeling the love.
i started to cry. i was no longer the plucky heroine with her stalwart boyfriend. i was now reduced to my true self: a whining, childish, 'this isn't FAIR,' feet-stomping, tantrum throwing chick.
think of PMS on steroids. yep. not a good scene.
i sobbed the whole way up the hill, into the hotel lobby, up to the front desk, then into the elevator, up to the room.
Dan just kept rubbing my back.
when we got in the room, the first thing he did was head into the bathroom, not to commit suicide from the psycho girlfriend, but to start a hot bath. then, he pushed me in there and told me not to come out until i was ready to fall asleep and drown.
i'm still crying. heck, i don't even want my mommy at this point.
i wasn't going to get in the tub, i was too pouty. then, i thought of something and sputtered,
'i....c-c-c-can't...take.....a....bath (sob, sniffle, gasp)..i...don't have....clean....clothes.'
he just smiled that freaking killer smile he had that would always turn me to mush. and yes, it worked this time, too.
'no worries. i'll go down and get our stuff.'
'bbbbbbut....it's raining.' over emotional princess said.
he just smiled again.
'it's OK, honey. get in the tub.'
twenty minutes later, i felt like a new girl. i have no doubt he wasn't gone that long, because if i were him, i'da been in the hotel bar tossing back some stiff ones.
the next day was the convention. we got the supplies back to the convention center, all the guys started setting up, and i was given carte blanche to roam and explore. just come back by 5, when the show closes.
man. i am SO off to Six Flags!!
am i not the biggest dork ever? most chicks would be exploring the malls, finding cutie little shops. nope. not me. i'm off to an amusement park.
that i got lost to.
then i found it was closed during the week.
then i got lost going back to the convention center.
oh Lord, i prayed, tell me what i have done to anger You. i'm sorry for everything and anything, believe me, just please, Lord, let me live through this trip.
i seriously was beginning to think i was never going to make it out of Texas alive.
i made it back to the convention center in plenty of time. however, apparently out there, they have THUNDERSTORMS FOR NO APPARENT REASON. WITH HAIL. BIG HAIL.
and i of course have no umbrella. no hoodie. and i am stuck in the car, in the parking lot, needing to pee sooooooo bad, my skin is turning yellow and my blue eyes are now green. i cannot get out of the car, it's coming down too hard. and it isn't helping my bladder, either.
Gentle Reader, steel yourself. i am about to embarrass myself to you in a way i probably haven't up to this point.
i opened the car door as little as i could, tossed out what was left of my 32oz soda, climbed into the back of the truck, and yep...i let 'er loose.
and i cried again. because i am such a freaking baby at this point that i think my life is over because i've peed in a cup in a truck in a convention center parking lot. what.the.beep!
that was the worst day. the rest of the week was actually pretty fun. i hung out at the center and when i wasn't working the booth, i would go eat free Haagen Daas ice cream bars. play free games and win stuffed animals. (Christmas was a ton of fun that year, i can tell you) they even had free carnival rides you could try, but i was a little too chicken for that.
i have been to Dallas since. but a) for work and b) i flew. we had a hailstorm, but i was inside, and much, much less the whiny pouty princess i was. the Husband wants to take me for fun.
i'm just not sure i'm up to that, yet.
we even had to argue with the rental company to give us a new truck. they just wanted to repair what we had. but, Dan prevailed and after a day and a half delay, we were back on the road.
we drove straight through, barely stopping to eat, snoozing as we went. after all, we were on a timetable. and driving through the Southwest was, shall we say, interesting.
storms there alot y'know.
we got into Dallas late at night - it was raining. it was cold. butt cold. windy. we were tired. i, being the princess, was not reasonable. i was a tired, unreasonable, cold, pissy princess.
that's the worst kind.
and of course, since it was so late, the only place for us to park was in overflow parking for the hotel.
at the bottom of a San Francisco-type hill. y'know, steep.
and we walked up the hill. against the wind and rain and no matter which way i turned my face, the wind and rain were right there, kissing me all over.
just not feeling the love.
i started to cry. i was no longer the plucky heroine with her stalwart boyfriend. i was now reduced to my true self: a whining, childish, 'this isn't FAIR,' feet-stomping, tantrum throwing chick.
think of PMS on steroids. yep. not a good scene.
i sobbed the whole way up the hill, into the hotel lobby, up to the front desk, then into the elevator, up to the room.
Dan just kept rubbing my back.
when we got in the room, the first thing he did was head into the bathroom, not to commit suicide from the psycho girlfriend, but to start a hot bath. then, he pushed me in there and told me not to come out until i was ready to fall asleep and drown.
i'm still crying. heck, i don't even want my mommy at this point.
i wasn't going to get in the tub, i was too pouty. then, i thought of something and sputtered,
'i....c-c-c-can't...take.....a....bath (sob, sniffle, gasp)..i...don't have....clean....clothes.'
he just smiled that freaking killer smile he had that would always turn me to mush. and yes, it worked this time, too.
'no worries. i'll go down and get our stuff.'
'bbbbbbut....it's raining.' over emotional princess said.
he just smiled again.
'it's OK, honey. get in the tub.'
twenty minutes later, i felt like a new girl. i have no doubt he wasn't gone that long, because if i were him, i'da been in the hotel bar tossing back some stiff ones.
the next day was the convention. we got the supplies back to the convention center, all the guys started setting up, and i was given carte blanche to roam and explore. just come back by 5, when the show closes.
man. i am SO off to Six Flags!!
am i not the biggest dork ever? most chicks would be exploring the malls, finding cutie little shops. nope. not me. i'm off to an amusement park.
that i got lost to.
then i found it was closed during the week.
then i got lost going back to the convention center.
oh Lord, i prayed, tell me what i have done to anger You. i'm sorry for everything and anything, believe me, just please, Lord, let me live through this trip.
i seriously was beginning to think i was never going to make it out of Texas alive.
i made it back to the convention center in plenty of time. however, apparently out there, they have THUNDERSTORMS FOR NO APPARENT REASON. WITH HAIL. BIG HAIL.
and i of course have no umbrella. no hoodie. and i am stuck in the car, in the parking lot, needing to pee sooooooo bad, my skin is turning yellow and my blue eyes are now green. i cannot get out of the car, it's coming down too hard. and it isn't helping my bladder, either.
Gentle Reader, steel yourself. i am about to embarrass myself to you in a way i probably haven't up to this point.
i opened the car door as little as i could, tossed out what was left of my 32oz soda, climbed into the back of the truck, and yep...i let 'er loose.
and i cried again. because i am such a freaking baby at this point that i think my life is over because i've peed in a cup in a truck in a convention center parking lot. what.the.beep!
that was the worst day. the rest of the week was actually pretty fun. i hung out at the center and when i wasn't working the booth, i would go eat free Haagen Daas ice cream bars. play free games and win stuffed animals. (Christmas was a ton of fun that year, i can tell you) they even had free carnival rides you could try, but i was a little too chicken for that.
i have been to Dallas since. but a) for work and b) i flew. we had a hailstorm, but i was inside, and much, much less the whiny pouty princess i was. the Husband wants to take me for fun.
i'm just not sure i'm up to that, yet.
the things we do for love.
again - i don't know why i allude to things in my past, without going into more detail.
especially when it comes to Jacqui and i researching our belief that we were separated at birth.
so. get some No-Doz, some coffee and settle back. Grandma's about to tell another tale from her past, kiddies.
i don't remember what year it was. only that i was in luuuuuuv.
his name was Dan - a guy i had a serious crush on, back in my Rainbow Girl/high school days. he felt it, too - it was kind of those 'bam-smack-wow-Disney-Channel-ABC-Afterschool-Special' things.
complete with the animated stars in our eyes.
so as we sat, yakking, i, the high school junior, asked him if he had started researching colleges yet.
he looked at me blankly.
"college? i'm only in junior high."
(note: back in the day, junior high was what we old-timers used to call the 7th & 8th grades. oh, and you could also get a hamburger, fries & shake at McDonalds for $2 and get change back, dagnabbit.)
oh my. junior high. well, that kinda puts the kibosh on things, doesn't it?
fast forward a few years. we met up again, i don't remember how or where. only that we felt the same attraction we did before and that that HUGE three year age difference in high school wasn't so bad now.
we started dating. and it was goooood. fun.
so, when his mom (who i loved) asked if i would help them out, i went for it.
seems that Dan's stepfather had worked for Disney Imagineering for a few years, then left to start his own business. he built the control circuits for the animated figures you see at Chuck-E-Cheese, Disneyland, and such.
move over, Disneyland, we're going to IAAPA - the International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions. in Dallas.
Dan's stepdad and his business partner were going, but couldn't get to the convention until the day the show started. Dan was driving the booth equipment for the show floor out there, but they didn't want him driving by himself, so would i please go with him? we'll pay for all your expenses, blah, blah, blah.
why sure! i never get to go anywhere, so heck yeah, i'll go to Texas!
they rented a big ol' truck, filled to the gills with all that electronic equipment. a few of the figurines. and us. we took off for a fun week.
or so we thought.
somewhere outside someplace in New Mexico, the truck broke down. in the middle of the desert. in the middle of the night. in the days before cell phones.
we were stuck until morning. and it gets way freaking cold in the middle of the desert. i pulled out all my clothes from my suitcase and put them on, so we could stay warm.
next morning, Dan walked...yes, walked to the nearest town to get help. i stayed with the goods. the minutes turned into hours and my overactive imagination had already designed that Dan had been kidnapped by some psycho killer (after all, don't they all live in the desert?), and tortured into telling them where i was - when the truck pulled up.
Cletus and Billy Bob were in it. Dan had sent them out to tell me that he was coming with help. so no, i wasn't going to die in the desert with a huge Chuck-E-Cheese figurine.
we were towed into Deming, New Mexico where we found a hotel, showered and then collapsed in a room with paper-thin walls, favored by truck drivers.
let's just say it was a very *ahem* active hotel.
the truck rental company was coming to deliver a new truck, but it wouldn't be there until the next morning. Deming was our temporary home until then...when the Texas adventure could continue.
Next: we roll into the Big D.
especially when it comes to Jacqui and i researching our belief that we were separated at birth.
so. get some No-Doz, some coffee and settle back. Grandma's about to tell another tale from her past, kiddies.
i don't remember what year it was. only that i was in luuuuuuv.
his name was Dan - a guy i had a serious crush on, back in my Rainbow Girl/high school days. he felt it, too - it was kind of those 'bam-smack-wow-Disney-Channel-ABC-Afterschool-Special' things.
complete with the animated stars in our eyes.
so as we sat, yakking, i, the high school junior, asked him if he had started researching colleges yet.
he looked at me blankly.
"college? i'm only in junior high."
(note: back in the day, junior high was what we old-timers used to call the 7th & 8th grades. oh, and you could also get a hamburger, fries & shake at McDonalds for $2 and get change back, dagnabbit.)
oh my. junior high. well, that kinda puts the kibosh on things, doesn't it?
fast forward a few years. we met up again, i don't remember how or where. only that we felt the same attraction we did before and that that HUGE three year age difference in high school wasn't so bad now.
we started dating. and it was goooood. fun.
so, when his mom (who i loved) asked if i would help them out, i went for it.
seems that Dan's stepfather had worked for Disney Imagineering for a few years, then left to start his own business. he built the control circuits for the animated figures you see at Chuck-E-Cheese, Disneyland, and such.
move over, Disneyland, we're going to IAAPA - the International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions. in Dallas.
Dan's stepdad and his business partner were going, but couldn't get to the convention until the day the show started. Dan was driving the booth equipment for the show floor out there, but they didn't want him driving by himself, so would i please go with him? we'll pay for all your expenses, blah, blah, blah.
why sure! i never get to go anywhere, so heck yeah, i'll go to Texas!
they rented a big ol' truck, filled to the gills with all that electronic equipment. a few of the figurines. and us. we took off for a fun week.
or so we thought.
somewhere outside someplace in New Mexico, the truck broke down. in the middle of the desert. in the middle of the night. in the days before cell phones.
we were stuck until morning. and it gets way freaking cold in the middle of the desert. i pulled out all my clothes from my suitcase and put them on, so we could stay warm.
next morning, Dan walked...yes, walked to the nearest town to get help. i stayed with the goods. the minutes turned into hours and my overactive imagination had already designed that Dan had been kidnapped by some psycho killer (after all, don't they all live in the desert?), and tortured into telling them where i was - when the truck pulled up.
Cletus and Billy Bob were in it. Dan had sent them out to tell me that he was coming with help. so no, i wasn't going to die in the desert with a huge Chuck-E-Cheese figurine.
we were towed into Deming, New Mexico where we found a hotel, showered and then collapsed in a room with paper-thin walls, favored by truck drivers.
let's just say it was a very *ahem* active hotel.
the truck rental company was coming to deliver a new truck, but it wouldn't be there until the next morning. Deming was our temporary home until then...when the Texas adventure could continue.
Next: we roll into the Big D.
Aug 11, 2007
again - why my butt and Tex-ass have something in common.
no flaming, April. cuz you know i love you, just that i had a bad experience getting to AND in Texas.
we went out for Chinese food tonight. not Panda Express, and not that we have anything against it, we're just looking for some different, flavored right Chinese food.
and we found one. not that far.
see - we used to have a place we would drive down to Oceanside to get to.
Oceanside is in San Diego county. it's about an hour or so from us.
this place was a hole in the wall, as the best places are. and they made the best pan fried chow mein ever.
ever.
then guess what? they closed up. seems the owners were tired of driving from Irvine to San Diego Co every.dang.day.
we mourned. we raged. we ripped our garments.
then we found Lily Garden here in Cypress. praise be, they make pan fried chow mein.
and it was goooooood.
i won't embarrass either of us with the happy sounds we both made as we tore into it, fighting as usual over the shrimp and the crispy bits of goodness cleverly disguised as fried chowmein noodles. suffice to say we both have bellies full of happiness.
and a hole in our hearts filled.
if only the rest of our holes could be filled so easily. and cheaply.
we went out for Chinese food tonight. not Panda Express, and not that we have anything against it, we're just looking for some different, flavored right Chinese food.
and we found one. not that far.
see - we used to have a place we would drive down to Oceanside to get to.
Oceanside is in San Diego county. it's about an hour or so from us.
this place was a hole in the wall, as the best places are. and they made the best pan fried chow mein ever.
ever.
then guess what? they closed up. seems the owners were tired of driving from Irvine to San Diego Co every.dang.day.
we mourned. we raged. we ripped our garments.
then we found Lily Garden here in Cypress. praise be, they make pan fried chow mein.
and it was goooooood.
i won't embarrass either of us with the happy sounds we both made as we tore into it, fighting as usual over the shrimp and the crispy bits of goodness cleverly disguised as fried chowmein noodles. suffice to say we both have bellies full of happiness.
and a hole in our hearts filled.
if only the rest of our holes could be filled so easily. and cheaply.
when Melissa tags...
who am i to argue? not that i'm worried about her suddenly flying out from M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I to kick my bum.
but she might just tell Jacqui to do so. and she's just a hop up the 5. that i can worry 'bout.
kidding, girls. you know i love you both.
so. here's the tag:
Here are the rules:1. You have to post these rules before you give the facts.
2. Players, you must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of their middle name. If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.
3. When you are tagged you need to write your own blog-post containing your own middle name game facts.
4. At the end of your blog-post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog. (ed. note: why do i need to leave a comment? if they are reading me, then they know they've been tagged. 'sides: i am sooooo lazy.)
L-is for the many ways i'm lazy. did i not just tell you that? come on, then.
Y-youthful. not that i am any more, but inside, i still think i'm in my 20's. i used to feel still 17, but i've given up on that.
N-neurotic. just a little. and about certain things.
N-nasty. at least lately. i'm just angry about a lot of things, and unfortunately this is how it's coming out.
(y'know what's cool about this, Melissa? i didn't have to deal with seven letters like you did. muh-wahahahahahahha!)
therefore, i tag:
Cyn
Kenny
Becky
Jenny
and, of course you may play, even if i didn't tag you. let me know if you decided to, so i can be nosy and see your answers.
but she might just tell Jacqui to do so. and she's just a hop up the 5. that i can worry 'bout.
kidding, girls. you know i love you both.
so. here's the tag:
Here are the rules:1. You have to post these rules before you give the facts.
2. Players, you must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of their middle name. If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.
3. When you are tagged you need to write your own blog-post containing your own middle name game facts.
4. At the end of your blog-post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog. (ed. note: why do i need to leave a comment? if they are reading me, then they know they've been tagged. 'sides: i am sooooo lazy.)
L-is for the many ways i'm lazy. did i not just tell you that? come on, then.
Y-youthful. not that i am any more, but inside, i still think i'm in my 20's. i used to feel still 17, but i've given up on that.
N-neurotic. just a little. and about certain things.
N-nasty. at least lately. i'm just angry about a lot of things, and unfortunately this is how it's coming out.
(y'know what's cool about this, Melissa? i didn't have to deal with seven letters like you did. muh-wahahahahahahha!)
therefore, i tag:
Cyn
Kenny
Becky
Jenny
and, of course you may play, even if i didn't tag you. let me know if you decided to, so i can be nosy and see your answers.
about last night...
here's one of my favorite jokes from last night.
that i can remember in it's entirety.
"i love Slim-Jim's. almost as much as i love boobies. so i called their consumer hot line.
" ' i have an idea that will make y'all a bazillion dollars.'
" ' i'm listening,' the consumer specialist said.
" ' what you need to do is punch a hole in the center of a Slim-Jim. because guys love Slim-Jims. and we also love beer.
" ' then, ' i said, 'guys could suck beer through the Slim-Jim, then bite off a hunk of the Slim-Jim.
"she hung up on me."
guess you had to be there. i would've been on the floor, except that there wasn't enough room for me to roll around.
that i can remember in it's entirety.
"i love Slim-Jim's. almost as much as i love boobies. so i called their consumer hot line.
" ' i have an idea that will make y'all a bazillion dollars.'
" ' i'm listening,' the consumer specialist said.
" ' what you need to do is punch a hole in the center of a Slim-Jim. because guys love Slim-Jims. and we also love beer.
" ' then, ' i said, 'guys could suck beer through the Slim-Jim, then bite off a hunk of the Slim-Jim.
"she hung up on me."
guess you had to be there. i would've been on the floor, except that there wasn't enough room for me to roll around.
really, REALLY funny.
he was funny.
he was even funnier. he did a Barney Fife impersonation that made me laugh. HARD.
but Bill, well....heck. i almost wet my pants laughing...at all three. but since we had great seats (really great seats), but right in the middle of the aisle, well, you get the picture.and sorry mine are grainy. but my best bets, even with the telephoto lens, was at the big screen.
and the beer was waaaaaay expensive. (i know, Linda is saying whoopie!!), but at $7/glass, well...it severely curtailed my alcohol consumption. which was good, considering i had to work today, too.
totally fun, though. we both laughed super hard.
and then i got this...
yep. that's me with Craig Shoemaker. hobnobbing with celebs.
suuuuure.
but we had fun. totally, super, pee-our-pants laughing.
and i bought two dvds. so i can relive the yuks.
over and over.
and how expensive beer is at the Pacific Amphitheater.
Aug 10, 2007
ha, ha, it is to laugh.
Thanks, Maureen.
enjoy these. i'm off to see a real comedian...not the one i think i am.
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETICS
mart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_____________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
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PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
enjoy these. i'm off to see a real comedian...not the one i think i am.
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
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OFFICE ARITHMETICS
mart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
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SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.
_____________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
_____________________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
_____________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Aug 9, 2007
busy, busy, busy.
when i'm not bitching about work or potlucks, i actually have been scrapping. here's proof.
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